Talking about thinking about writing

I hate writing. There I said it. I don’t hate words. I don’t hate reading. I don’t hate thinking. I hate writing. The act of sitting down and putting word to paper. I love thinking about what to write. I love thinking of myself as a writer. The truth is I am a fraud of a writer.

I wish I could just take my stream of ridiculous thoughts (which never shuts off) and just transfer them to people’s brains never having to place them here on this screen for you to see. It would be easier. It would be ideal for me as then I could finish watching One Mississippi my newest TV obsession. Why do I love this show? The writing, go figure.

I also don’t want to write something you might like, need, understand or share. If I do, then it pressures me to write more and then I get in my head writing not for me, but for you some person I don’t really know and who might be faking their adoration because it’s the cool thing to do on Facebook today (see that’s me in my head).

I can only write in any meaningful way about things I really care about. Do I really want people to know what I really care about? I mean not the stuff you can guess from a quick glace of my Twitter feed, or if you catch me after one too many glasses of wine, but the things you don’t see because I don’t write them down.

If I wrote about those things you would know I was deeply in love recently with someone deeply in love with me and learned the life lesson that love is not (just) about good and bad actions or people. Love is about timing and space and sometimes both run out and suffocate you even when your both well intentioned. I would write about how much joy and pain I’ve felt within this last year as I got to know love in this deeper and more meaningful way. How I wept…how I weep…remembering how I walked away from it all to stay true to my own heart. I was proud of myself. I was also broken. I’ve also reconsidered my choice every single day.

I hate writing. I read my own words and see something I like, need, understand and want to share and I get all in my head…and I start all over again.

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