Not feeling felt?
Summer is in all its beauty here in Washington State. Like many states around the country, people are taking this opportunity to be in closer proximity — masked and unmasked. But summer’s enticing weather is a false harbinger. Around the U.S., cases of Covid19 are spiking.
I’m reminded of this as my husband and I continue to walk at our favorite waterfront park: Seahurst Beach, south of Seattle, breathing in the sea air through our masks as we keep our distance from others. At times, these walks make think that as a society we’re going to get through this.
But, my body is telling me otherwise. Why do I still feel awful?
I’m exhausted and short-tempered, like many people with whom I’ve Zoomed since we were quarantined in March. And why have so few of my friends reached out to me?
I believe that everyone is dealing with their own state of fear and feeling traumatized by the virus, whether they acknowledge it or not. How can we not be? Our physiology is in a state of threat. My body feels it, which could explain why I’m vacillating between feeling like a bag of jangled nerves and a slug, frozen on a sidewalk about to be stepped on.
Yes, I’m doing things that normally revitalize me: dancing in various online classes; singing with virtual choirs; and, singing with my new friend, Broadway musical director Micah Young. The novelty of being connected with Micah alone, who started his virtual sing along during the pandemic, should be titillating enough for me, a-Broadway fanatic. Yet, I’ve never felt so disconnected.
For the first time in the three years since the stress and fear of my husband’s stem-cell transplant had me reaching out to a therapist, I’m seeing one again. She’s a somatic-psychotherapist; I figured that bringing my body into the therapy will help.
After my first session with her I was reminded of the article “how social isolation is killing us.”
Loneliness is affecting us all right now, but this article reminded me that loneliness “is not necessarily the result of poor social skills or lack of social support. When one person becomes lonely, he withdraws from his social circle and causes others to do the same.”
Aha!
Instead of retracting, curling into the fetal position and staying there, I reached out to Stephen W, Porges, PhD, Founding Director of the Trauma Stress Research Consortium; Distinguished University Scientist at the Kinsey Institute, Indiana University Bloomington and professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill in North Carolina. Dr. Porges is one of the experts featured in my documentary Visceral: transforming trauma through theatre. I connected with him to see if he could offer me some insight through his Polyvagal theory.
“Human connection is a biological imperative,” Dr. Porges said in his recent article about the impact of Covid-19 on our nervous systems
His theory provides a neurobiological model to explain how this crises disrupts our capacity to regulate our behavioral and emotional states, interferes with our optimism, and compromises our ability to trust and feel safe with another.
I recalled his words from our original interview that our nervous systems have evolved through our connection with each other via our voice (prosody), eyes, and facial gestures. During our Zoom chat that day, I felt a connection when he leaned close to the camera to point out to me that he was making intentional eye contact. I felt a spark of joy move up my spine.
“From a Polyvagal perspective it will be helpful to investigate how the COVID-19 crisis moves us into psychological states of threat,” wrote Dr. Porges. “The optimally resilient individual has opportunities to co-regulate physiological state with a safe and trusted other.”
Co-regulation is what I’ve been missing. I needed to feel felt.
Dr. Porges added that we’re tired because our nervous systems are responding to threat: to fight, flee, or shut down. We can’t socially engage in the proximity of a safe, trusted person, so it’s really hard to sense calming cues in our autonomic nervous system in a virtual chat when we don’t feel engaged. It takes a concentrated effort to engage with our eyes and voice — especially when we’re in public wearing masks.
The protests over the death of George Floyd and the police were happening the week that I spoke with Dr. Porges. We all witnessed the massive release of pent up bodies and voices. Trevor Noah described the protesters’ global response as spilling onto the streets. It was a powerful testament to our need to be in the presence of one another.
“People need to feel witnessed and heard more than ever right now,” said Dr. Porges.
Physical distance, not social distance
In a recent Fresh Air episode with Terry Gross, epidemiologist Michael Osterholm said “distancing shouldn’t mean cutting off all social contact. Call it physical distancing. … not social distancing. If there was ever a time when we all need each other, it’s now,” he says. “Make the effort to reach out and call someone.
Thanks to my chat with Dr. Porges, I’m adding in more eye-to-eye engagement in my Zoom sessions. And, even though I can’t co-regulate or socially engage in close proximity like before, I’m making a conscious effort to be in sync with what my body is telling me: give into the urge to over connect, virtually speaking.
As I was writing this a school friend whom I’ve known for 47 years called by phone. I answered via video chat. I was excited to see her face as we chatted. We talked about wearing masks and the current controversy among those who want everyone to wear them, and those who don’t. I’ll be wearing my mask in public to protect others, but you can bet that I’ll try to make my Irish eyes sparkle and my voice prosodic when my friends call again.
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Amy L. Erickson produced and directed the documentary “Visceral.” She also is a consultant and social-impact communications strategist for nonprofits and social entrepreneurs.
