Republic: Editorial Guidelines
“Because, Republic is Independent”
The editorial guidelines of Republic have been codified, by The Minister of Propaganda (Glory Glory Minister Urnab — hereafter shortened to GGMU and mandated to be suffixed whenever The Minister, GGMU, is mentioned in print) into a volume, known as ArseSpeak.
The purpose of ArseSpeak is not only to provide a medium of expression for the worldview and mental habits of the devotees of CRaP — Cow Rashtra Party — but also to make all other modes of thought impossible. It is intended that when ArseSpeak gets adopted once and for all and the old NewsSpeak gets totally forgotten, any thought diverging from the principles of CRaP should be literally unthinkable.
- Republic is independent. These are just broad editorial guidelines, not rules.
- The broad editorial guidelines are expected to be followed always, with no exceptions. Republic is independent.
- Eliminate undesirable words such as “Opposition”, “Constitution”, “Parliament”, “Freedom”, “Justice”, “Inflation”, “Poverty”, “Corruption”, “Intolerance”. A blanket-phrase “Soldiers at the border” covers them all.
- Strip other words of undesired meanings. For example, “Encounter” is to be scrubbed of all other meanings other than to say things like, “On my way back from Breathe In Breathe Out Inc yesterday, I had a chance encounter with The Minister himself, GGMU”
- The numbers “1992” and “2002” have been deleted. Since these numbers do not exist, any news that might arise about incidents in <the years that do not exist> will not be reported.
- Negativity is to be completely avoided. For example, if CRaP gets 30 seats, X party gets 60 seats and Y party gets 10 seats in a 100-seat state election, the reporting should highlight how CRaP has un-lost by winning 30 seats and how the CRaP juggernaut has won-plus by getting 20 seats more than the Y party. Always strive to drive positivity by prefixing un- to traditionally negative words and by suffixing -plus to make nominally positive words more positive.
- The Minister, GGMU, himself will conduct all prime time panel discussions. All staff, editorial to janitorial, will make themselves available to cheer and applaud The Minister, GGMU.
- Only The Minister, GGMU, speaks. Panelists are only for visual representation of various ideas and ideologies and therefore will not be wired for sound.
- The great achievements by students of our premier institutes (example — MoneyPal Academy alumni becomes Asst. Project Manager at Sysinfo) are to be highlighted along with the systemic and structural decay at tier-4 institutions (example — empty hand-lotion bottles at IITs, used condoms at JNU)
- All military operations -surgical or homeopathic- after 26th May 2014 are unparalleled successes, with zero casualties on our side and with immeasurably vast damages to Pakistan / Terrorists / China / Bhutan / Burma (pick appropriately). Use supplemental quotes from reputed news organisations like UNESCO and NASA. There were no military operations prior to 26th May 2014. Especially in 1971. Add 1971 to the deleted-years list. When in doubt, show file pictures of Chinese subs in Karachi port and run a hashtag. Do not show Chinese soldiers practically living in Ladakh.
- The Minister, GGMU, is the final authority on the Economy and will decide if the GDP growth is un-bad or good-plus. Use supplemental quotes from world class economists like Ente Bhagavathy! and respected journals like SwarajyaWank. Avoid scamsters like Sen, Krugman, Patnaik et al.
- Republic is disruptive. We shall always strive to disrupt the news cycle. For example — when 16 women are gang-raped in a CRaP ruled state, we will disrupt the news by covering an online retailer selling tricolour themed underwear in Alaska. Republic is Global.
- Its all good. The Minister, GGMU, knows best.
- Republic is independent.
(PS: Generously inspired by the Appendix to George Orwell’s 1984 — “The principles of NewsSpeak)