It’s Not Them; It’s Us.

By: Carol Zeavin and Rhona Silverbush

What’s the first word that leaps to mind when you hear the word “toddler”? We took a random survey and were not surprised to hear the words “Energy”, “NO!” and “Tantrums” a lot in response. Toddlers can get a bad rap. Yes, they do wipe out the adults around them with their boundless energy, and yes, adults hear “NO!” a lot and are met with high-octane emotions. A lot. But what we adults don’t realize is how much we don’t “get” about their experience of the world and how a little more insight into their development can make things a lot easier for them…and thus for us!

Toddlers are learning machines. Their brains are growing faster than they ever will again. Suddenly, there’s walking and talking that wasn’t there a minute ago. And they are very emotional. Naked, over-the-top emotions, without any of the mental maturity, social awareness, or self-knowledge that could moderate them. For most grownups, this moment in development is astounding…and confusing, and a bit disconcerting. If that’s how it feels to the adults around them, imagine how it feels to our toddlers!

Toddlers can be difficult to manage, for some very good reasons. Here are four:

1. Although toddlers can do a lot of things they couldn’t do before, they can’t do everything they want! They are either not capable, or not allowed, so their days can be full of frustrations.
2. Plus, they’re in the midst of the biggest push-pull of their short lifetimes: dependence versus independence. They are both totally dependent on you and fighting for their independence. Conflict — inner and outer — is their state of being.
3. Plus, their language is very limited, so they have a hard time standing up for themselves, which adds to their frustration.
4. But — and this is very important to understand — because we forget how little we understood at their age, we apply our adult knowledge of the world to them, and thus we think they have a far greater grasp of how it all works than they actually do.

This combination of being denied, confused, conflicted, not having enough language, and not understanding how the world works is, understandably, overwhelming.

And we adults don’t help matters any. When our kids are upset or hurt, we desperately want them to feel OK, so we tell them, “You’re OK,” even when we can see they’re really not. We say, “don’t cry” because we’re hoping that saying they’re fine and don’t need to cry will make it so.

Okay, you say, now we get it. We’re the ones misunderstanding our toddlers and reacting ineffectively. Soooo…what to do?!

Here’s what we suggest:

1. Except in emergencies requiring immediate, wordless, preventive action, you can simply acknowledge the current feeling — as close as you can tell, in a few words: “Ouch, that hurt your knee.” “I see you’re sad.” “You’re very upset (angry, worried…).”

A concrete label for a huge emotion is reassuring to a confused and upset child. At first, the labeling may feel uncomfortable — almost like an invasion of private feelings, or as though it should go without saying. Keep trying — it gets easier, especially when you see the light bulb go on, and the children start to use the labels themselves!

And don’t worry, it won’t reinforce the feeling of being sad or mad or give them the idea to feel something they weren’t. Quite the contrary — acknowledging the negative feelings helps resolve them faster than pretending they don’t exist. Everyone feels better when they feel understood.

2. Then, deal with the behavior you don’t like: “But I can’t let you hit.” And then, perhaps, “Tell her, ‘I don’t like that!’ “ Or, “…You can kick this pillow when you’re mad.” Or, “…We’ll go outside until you feel better.” In as few words as possible, give an acceptable alternative.

3. When all is calm, talk briefly about what happened and how to help when it happens again. We call this “the debrief”: “You were really mad when she took your toy. You can hold on tight next time, and say, ‘Mine!’”

The truer a picture we have of our toddlers’ moment in development, the better we can assist them, and the easier life will get…for them and for us.

Finally, the books that have toddlers saying “ah, they get me!” and their parents saying, “so THAT’s how it’s done!” Carol Zeavin and Rhona Silverbush are the co-authors of the groundbreaking new “Terrific Toddlers” series for toddlers, published by Magination Press. Click here to learn more.