The Spiritual Void After Leaving a Toxic Religion
And 5 ways to fill it.
1. Distinguish between organized religion and personal spirituality
2. Get over right & wrong
3. Define your own moral framework
4. Explore, explore, explore!
5. Let your true tribe come inHave you just left a fundamentalist religious group? Or maybe you have left them a long time ago, and you swore to yourself to never let your life be ruled by dogmatic principles again. So you did what any sane person would do, and cut all religion and spirituality out of your life.
This is what happened for me after I left Jehovah’s Witnesses. So I feel you! I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I wanted nothing to do with anything that had the slightest smell of religion, and vowed to be an atheist the rest of my life.
The motto was: ‘No Gods No Masters.’ But somehow my life didn’t feel complete.
In a way religion can become a fully operating coping mechanism, because it can soothe painful human experiences like loneliness, low self-worth, meaninglessness, and lack of belonging. That’s why leaving a religion can evoke a powerful feeling of emptiness.
But even if you didn’t leave a religion — but still feel a spiritual void — this article is for you.
The way out
In my own quest for filling my inner void — and it was a bumpy ride! — I have come up with 5 principles that are helping me tremendously. Some of them are based on reframing concepts to be more workable, but most are about connecting to your true essence again — something that religion can strip you of.
Ready to learn what has worked for me?
1. Distinguish between organized religion and personal spirituality
This was a huge eye-opener for me! Years I was stuck on the idea that all spirituality was unhealthy. But let’s distinguish.
Organized religious institutes are based on creating a following, and thus on creating a continuation for the organization. It’s based on rules being passed down from the top to the bottom. It’s not about you.
Spirituality on the other hand, is based on a deeply personal relationship with the universe, source, god or whatever you want to call it. It is your experience of the universe supported by the personal rituals and habits that make you feel a deep connection to all in existence.
Because I threw the baby out with the bathwater, it took me a long time to figure that one out! This paradigm shift allows you to use the benefits of religious ritual without being sucked back in by dogma.
I can now use prayer without addressing it to Jehovah. These days, I love it as a tool to get worries off my chest and to get in touch with the subconscious mind. I allow myself to have fun with it and make the instrument truly mine. I pray to E.T.’s and any other creatures out there that may want to pick up on my signals. Whatever floats your boat, baby!
Another huge benefit of rituals is that they help structure your life and create a feeling of safety by repetition. There’s a reason why all cultures have developed them. For our sanity: we shouldn’t abandon them altogether.
Also, think about the following. It doesn’t even matter if the ritual itself is working or not. By practicing a ritual, you are subconsciously setting an intention, and your subconscious mind will follow through on that. So it works regardless of assigned magical powers. It works by the power of your intention.
Forget how you think things should appear and have fun. There are tons of spiritual practices and powerful habits all over the internet. So collect, experiment and make them yours, my friend. You are free!
2. Get over right & wrong
This one is way harder than you might think. Especially if you were raised in religion. As children, we instill the values that our parents teach us and identify with them as our own. We are programmed with these rules, and the programming runs deep.
Even when you give yourself permission to do the things the god of your childhood disapproves of, you may still feel guilty doing them.
This is the toxic inheritance of religious dogma. So examine what residue of the imprint of right and wrong created by your specific religion you might still hold, and which of these imprints you want to let go.
Then you can start actively challenging and replacing these ideas in your mind. This process will take awareness, repetition, and endurance. But it’s well worth getting over the guilt programmed into your system, I promise.
3. Define your own moral framework
To clearly state this point, I have to go into a dark corner of religion first. Bare with me.
Religion can create major self-esteem issues. After all, you were born full of sin. The only thing you can do now to be a decent person is fight your human instincts, and adhere to strict moral guidelines to keep you on the right path.
You are taught your inner compass is defective and not to be trusted, in favor of excepting the group morals. Friend, unless you’re a psychopath, this is not true!
This belief makes it so you never feel good enough. Simply because you have human desires. Even when kept in check and unexposed, you know you have them. You know your sinful nature.
And it gets even more damaging. Because you’ll project these morals of right and wrong onto everybody and everything. By doing so, you’ll create a massive distance between you and others. All the while believing you are righteous.
At this point, you feel so defective and disconnected that the only thing you can do to feel any self-esteem at all, is clamp on to a feeling of moral superiority by adhering to the dogmatic principles with even more vigor.
And so we are in a never-ending loop, creating ever more shame and disconnect. Do you grasp the toxicity of that rabbit hole?
On to the antidote. First, we need a major paradigm shift.
You are not inherently sinful, you are inherently good! Sit with that for a minute.
You didn’t come to this earth to trim your desires, but to express them — of course without harming others. Practice accepting yourself fully, exactly where you are. And friend, this is practice. After religion, self-acceptance does not come naturally.
Find approval for where you are by examining the road that lead you there. How are the traits and desires that you judge in yourself actually keeping you safe? How are they working for you and not against you? Try to befriend all aspects of yourself by curiously questioning why they are the way they are. Do this in the way you would get to know a friend.
In judgment, we close the door on ourselves, but in openness we come closer to ourselves.
Next, you need to reconnect with your inner compass. Live by the question: ‘Is this mine or is it imprinted?’. Try to find approval for behaviors, of yourself and others, that you are judgemental of.
Question what you judge! What are valid reasons for behaving that way? Why would someone do it? What is the benefit of those actions? How could it benefit me to behave in the same way?
Sometimes you will find that you still judge the behavior. That means you have exposed a value you share with the specific religion, and that’s fine. Other times, these questions can be a gateway to let yourself live more freely.
In time, you will get an idea of what you stand for. You will have values that you want to adhere to with your full awareness. You will not see yourself as inherently sinful, because you can adhere to these values. So you close the gap between how you feel and how you think you should feel. And by learning to trust your inner compass again, your self-esteem will grow tremendously.
You are worth this effort.
4. Explore, explore, explore!
At this point in our journey, we are already practicing to trust our inner guidance. Time for the good stuff! It’s time to truly get to know yourself. Who are you unconfined, unrestricted? What is your essence? What do you want to birth into the world?
Friend, the world is your oyster!
One quick caveat: don’t just fall for the next group with strong ideas. This happened to me, so you don’t have to make the same mistake.
After leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses, I went into the punk scene, all rebellious and stuff. At first it got my juices flowing. But then I realized that in rebellion, you are still dependent on something to rebel against. Thus, you are not connecting to your true essence and creating from that, in stead you still need an external system to let you know what you are against.
That said, the punk scene was a crucial coping mechanism for channeling my anger. My deep gratitude goes out to it. And extremes can be part of your exploration. So don’t judge yourself if you swing to the other side of the pendulum for a while. Just be aware that that’s what you’re doing.
The possibilities for getting to know your likes and dislikes are endless. It all comes down to putting yourself in new situations and registering what the experience does for you.
Some noteworthy examples are: journalling, pouring out creative energy in any form of art, reading new ideas, meeting different people, undertaking new hobbies or sports, visiting new places, researching a topic you know nothing about… Anything that creates a disrupt with the ordinary goes! And remember to observe yourself with curiosity and awareness.
Explore until you know the person behind the dogma.
5. Let your true tribe come in
You want to know another dark trade of religion? You can never feel loved for who you are, because you are not allowed to show your authentic self to the world. This creates a soul-wrenching loneliness in the midst of company. This loneliness might even stay under the radar of your consciousness because of the network that religious groups provide.
So if you ever want to feel loved for who you are — to feel connected — you have 1 option: reconnecting to yourself.
I’m sure by now, you are a pro in the previous steps of this article, you have an idea of your true values and likes. It’s time to connect to your tribe. Let the people come in, who share values and ideas with you. Of course differences are fine, you don’t have to fear excommunication any longer.
For the first time belonging to a group doesn’t have to mean submerging to the group ideals. But you will find true belonging. This is what I wish for you.
Filling the spiritual void and returning to your essence after leaving a religion is no minor task. It’s a lengthy process — a daily practice — that will have to be imbued with your love, awareness and intention.
I’m still somewhere between step 4 and 5. I still relapse from time to time. But I promise you this reconnection is the most rewarding thing you can undertake for yourself, pinky swear.
You are worth it. Safe journey and enjoy the ride!
