Beautiful Disaster

I haven’t wrote in a while so I figured it was time for a new installment. I have been in a very dark place for the past couple of weeks and I am slowly, but surely recovering. This blog will be very personal for me and I am going to explore a lot, especially my emotions.

Another Mother’s Day has just recently come and gone. This particular Mother’s Day which use to be spent with my Mom watching movies, eating at her favorite restaurant and buying her flowers with a special card wasn’t filled with what it use to be, this year it was spent at her grave. For this first Mother’s Day without my Mom I decided to write her a letter attached with a balloon and set it off where she was buried, I also placed a single pink rose next to her name. I would be lying if I said this day was easy and went better than I thought. Honestly, in your lifetime you experience bad days, days that will carry on with you even 30 years later. This first Mother’s Day without my Mom was one of those days. It was horrible, lonely, depressing and most of all eye opening. I realized “hey my Mom isn’t coming back, this, this is real life.”

Losing your Mother is like being in a department store when you were younger and getting separated from her. The only difference is that when you were younger it would take a couple of minutes and you would be reunited with her again. When your Mother passes away you are that same little girl in the department store, but this time you will not find your Mom and you will spend forever searching for her. The only downside is, is that when you spend your whole life searching for your Mom you lose sight on everything else. The sad truth is that when you lose your Mother you lose a piece of yourself and you will always have an empty hole in your heart and you will spend forever searching for someone to fill that hole. Unfortunatly only your Mom can fill that hole and until you cross over to the other side you are out of luck in finding your Mom and feeling truly together again.

I know, this sounds depressing, but this is how I am feeling and will probably continue to feel for the rest of my life. Hopefully with time the feeling won’t be so strong. I have my good days and bad days, if I am being honest with myself sometimes I feel as if I am going backwards. Time heals all wounds, but in losing your Mother the longer you go without her the more it seems you long for her to be near. If I hear good or bad news I want to tell her, I want to be able to call her like I always did and tell her everything. At work I would call her at least 3 times a day just to hear her voice and make sure she was ok, then on my drive home from work I would call her and talk to her the whole way home. When I arrived home she would be there to listen and joke with me about everything. Now? Now I go through the day with no phone calls and I arrive home to an empty home where I sit in silence and long for the days that I had my Mom there with me. I am not saying my life use to be perfect, it was far from it. Even when she was alive I would complain about how I wasn’t happy, that I needed a change of scenery. Well, take my advice it’s true when people say you don’t always get what you wish for. If I could go back I would cherish the moments I had with Mom and spend more time with her. Even then, no amount of time is enough when you are in the presence of your Mom.

Depression is something I am use to, it’s like that annoying friend that always pops up at the worst possible time and never goes away. I have battled depression for years and now without my Mom depression is just like that friend, except now it stays with me constantly and never goes away. For those of you who don’t know I was recently diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder). I was afraid to tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone to be scared of me, afraid they might say the wrong thing or just not be able to handle having a friend that has that and end our friendship. Thankfully all my friends are pretty amazing and with the select few that know of my condition they haven’t left my side. If anything I am the one that pushes them away. For the people out there who are my friends and don’t know what BPD is, look it up, it will explain a lot about how I am and things will start to fall into place with my actions.

Living with BPD and knowing now there is a name for my illness helps coping with it a lot easier. My emotions are a roller coaster and I am constantly fighting with my mind. One minute I am happy and the next I have dark thoughts that even I can’t go into detail about without crying. Yes, I do go to therapy and yes it does help tremendously. No, I am not crazy even some days I feel that way. Going through something so traumatic sometimes I surprise myself and can’t believe how far I have come. Recently I heard this song in a department store and I fell in love, the lyrics were beautiful. I ended up going home and finding the song and watching the video that went with it. The song is called Hey Brother by Avicii and after watching the video I understood why I felt such a connection to the song.

The video starts out with a young boy and what you believe is his older brother. They are seen going on adventures and it’s clear the little boy looks up to his older brother and admires him more than anything. Throughout the video you see scenes of the Vietnam War and thats when you realize that the ending to this song probably isn’t a good one. It isn’t until the end you see a picture of the little boy in his baseball uniform and then the older brother next to him transforms into his Father. So, in other words what you thought was his older brother was actually his Father. Then, you hear an exchange between the son and Dad that even now has me in tears.

Little Boy: Tell me a story.

Dad: I think it’s time you told me a story.

Little Boy: Why do you have to go Dad?

Dad: Promise, I’ll be back in no time.

After this exchange between the two the video cuts to the little boy accepting a flag and medal in honor of his Father’s efforts. The last scene always gives me chills because its the little boy all grown up standing at his favorite spot all alone, no Father and just the memories to keep him alive.

This, this is why I keep fighting. When you lose a loved one you feel so alone and like the whole world is against you, but it’s not. People go through tragedy everyday and some worse than others. The fact of the matter is there will always be someone out there that has it better than you, but there is always someone out there that has it worse. Children, young children lose their Moms and Dads everyday and this video proves that life is hard. My favorite part of the whole song isn’t any of the lyrics, but when the little boy asks his Dad to tell him a story and the Dad responds that it’s time that he told him a story.

When I hear that I think of my Mom and I, she was always telling me stories. Now that her time has passed its time I told her a story, and what kind of story would it be if I just gave up now? If I am going to tell my Mom a story, it’s going to be the best damn story ever written. I know for the past few weeks my friends have watched me as I have cried, done things I am not proud of, lashed out and most of all just lost my whole will to live. I have been selfish and for that I apologize. The longer I am without my Mom the more I was trying to tell myself there wasn’t anything worth living for, but there is. I am living for my future, I am living for my friends/family and I am living so when I die I can meet my Mom with open arms and watch the look upon her face as she smiles and tells me job well done.

I am always going to have my bad days and there will be days when I relapse and want to die all over again. I just want the people that care to remember that I WILL make it through, the bad days, the good ones, the days were all seems lost, I promise I will make it through. I am going to survive this and I am going to live this life to honor my Mom and show people that she raised one hell of a daughter.

Some people may say that it’s silly to think that certain things can save you, but I was saved. God showed me a sign and this sign was in the form of a song. No, it wasn’t Owl City, but after listening to Hey Brother by Avicii I wanted to see if there were any other songs of his that I liked and I found it. This song I can honestly say saved me and changed me at a time where I had given up. Because, sadly, I did give up, there was a time where I was lost and I was ready to end it all. This song and believe it or not the video to this song as well helped encourage me. I recommend everyone go and listen to this song and watch the video, if you have time listen to Hey Brother too.

Before I go I will leave you the lyrics to the song that changed me and the song I hope all of you go and listen to after you are done reading this.

Cause it’s not too late, it’s not too late
I, I see the hope in your heart
And sometimes you lose and sometimes you’re shooting
Broken arrows in the dark
But I, I see the hope in your heart
Broken Arrows by Avicii