End to a terrible year
How can I put into words to explain the year 2015?
There are truly no words to express how much I distaste, loathe and hate this year. My heart, my whole heart got taken away from me, this year on October 22, 2015 and I will never fully get it back. My Mom, my everything and the reason for my existence was taken away. She was the light that lit up my world, the mold that held me together, the only person who could fully understand me and the joy that brought me through every day. As I sit here now and type I feel as if my light is gone, my mold is broken, nobody will ever understand me and my joy has vanished. I know as depressing as that sounds it’s true. Your Mom is everything to you, she is the reason you exist and because of her you are alive on this Earth. Each day I’m alive I can’t help but think it’s not fair. It isn’t fair that I continue to live with good health and my Mom was denied a full life. However with each negative thought I try to process a positive one. Like the quote says
“don’t feel bad for life that was denied to me, Heaven is truly beautiful just you wait and see.”
As I read that line my heart feels with joy because I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the moment I’m able to wrap my arms around my Mom again and take in her beauty. Everyday is a struggle with my inner emotions. Some days I wake up and greet the world with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. Other days, well not to get too graphic, but I want to just fade away and never return. It’s hard living with these emotions and I know it’s hard on my family and friends as well. I feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me just to see what kind of mood I am in because I change everyday. To all my family and friends reading this, you know I’m getting help and I promise my true self will blossom soon enough.
Losing the two living things I valued most in this world in one year is a feeling I cannot explain. Dealing with the death of my cat Tom who I had for over 10 years was hard. Losing my Mom though? That is a pain that will never go away, nor would I want it to. No matter the emotions, good or bad I want to feel them and feel her. Whether she is around me, beside me or looking down upon me. I want to feel her, always. There isn’t much else to say about this year than what I have already stated in previous blog posts. This year sucked plain and simple, this is and will probably be the worst year of my entire existence.
Besides the tragic events that happened, this year was a stepping stone to what is to come in the future. I am starting my career, got my own place and I am learning to live a life without my Mom. As the days, months and even years pass by I know for the rest of my life I will be battling with my emotions and that’s ok. With all the sleepless nights, the heavy tears will come joyous laughter and bright smiles. Yes, it’s sad to think that my Mom will no longer be with me physically, but spiritually she will always be with me. I will forever miss her smile, warm hugs, laughter, inside jokes and the joy she brought to me everyday. From the very first breath I took to her very last breath on Earth she never disappointed me and was everything a true Mother could have been.
So here’s to 2016, may this year be brighter, better, kinder and more amazing than I could ever imagine. I hope everyone has a joyous new year. Good riddance 2015, I will always think of this year as the year my whole world crashed. However, I will also see this year as the year my whole existence was finally tested and that I passed.
Cheers to 2016 and good riddance to the worst year imaginable.