One year, all it took was one year….
Let me elaborate more, you see, this time last year I was a mess. I was suicidal, I was in pain and whatever light that was still flickering inside me was about to go out. Funny how one decision can make or break a person and help them rewrite a better story than anything they thought possible.
This time last year it had been 2 years without my Mom and I was a wreck, I was in a deep dark hole that I never thought I would come out of. I thought this was my life, go to work, come home to an empty house and sit there and watch the hours pass until my life was finally up and I could be reunited with my Mom again. I had no drive, no energy left in me to keep fighting and I knew it was only a matter of time before the Grim Reaper came for me and took me out of this miserable chaotic world.
But God had other plans….
I took a leap of faith and applied for a job up 3 hours away from where I currently resided. Not thinking anymore of it I got a call back and in less than a week of applying I was offered the job, not only a job, but a fresh start and another chance at life. Next to losing my Mom this was the scariest thing I have ever done. I picked up my broken pieces and I moved away from the past and into the future.
The first few months weren’t easy, but worth it. I made friends and I went on adventures, but I still felt incomplete. I was so much happier, but there was still part of me that longed to have someone to share my life with. My light, although not big was back and burning brighter than it had in years. I had moved away from the toxic environment that I had come to accept as my dead end and I was staying optimistic at the possibilities and what could happen after making this change.
Only in my best dreams did I imagine finding the love of my life, the missing piece to my puzzle and the part of my heart that I had for so long abandoned. Waiting for someone to capture it, but never thinking anyone actually would.
On Mother’s Day of 2018 I met the man I will forever credit as my saving grace and the man who I hope to one day marry, start a family with and grow old with. I had finally found what my life needed, I had found my soulmate.
Almost 5 months later and we have already made so many endless memories together. I feel like we have known each other our whole lives, he is everything I ever wanted in a partner and more. We are about to embark on our biggest adventure yet, we are about to move in together and start a life with each other. A life I have wanted since I was a little kid and a life I only thought was possible in fairytales.
Growing up my Mom promised me of true love, happy endings and a life that I would love. I never thought life could be this perfect, and I never thought I would ever be this happy. To say I am happy is an understatement, I am completely ecstatic.
Being my age I thought all the best ones were already taken, and that even if I did find love it wouldn’t be with someone who I had imagined spending my life with. At one point I was so scared that I would have to end up settling, but thankfully I found the man of my dreams.
There are times where I will pinch myself just to see if I really am dreaming. When I look into his eyes I feel like this is all too good to be true and I don’t deserve him. I think back at the past years and realize everything, all of the twists and turns lead me to exactly where I needed to be. Going to college, losing my Mom, rebuilding my life and moving away to start a new life, it was all apart of God’s plan. When I would tell myself that someday all of this heartache will be worth I think part of me didn’t truly believe it.
Now I look back and I am amazed at how far I have come. I have fought my inner demons and I have won, and my prize was a life worth living. I reread some of the blog posts I wrote and the feelings that I felt when writing them. It’s so hard to believe that I was so strong and that I actually lived through all that pain and suffering. I am so proud of myself, you have no idea. If I were a bystander looking in I would applaud my bravery and be inspired by all the hard work and dedication. Which is what I hope others see when they see me. My greatest wish is to save a life, just as my life was saved. I want to be an inspiration to people that life can and will get better.
Coming from someone who fought every day to stay alive, these past few years have been the hardest battle of my life. If I could give anyone advice I would tell them that this wasn’t easy, it took everything I had in me and then some. You will have more bad days than good and everyone goes at their own pace. What took me almost 3 years could take you 3 months or maybe 30 years, but just know that things will get better. The light at the end of the tunnel that everyone always talks about, well it really is there and after all these years I have finally reached my light and I am never letting go.
Yes, there will be more tragedies in my life and I will continue to lose people and go through pain. The only difference is now I know I can go through any tragedy and still come out alive. I have went through the biggest obstacle in my life and I came out better, wiser and more alive than I have ever felt. So don’t focus on what all can go wrong, but more importantly what all can go right. My life has been a train wreck of ups and downs since I was twelve years old and now at the age of almost thirty one I can look back and see all of my accomplishments.
I have lived, what I thought was a lifetime of regrets is actually a lifetime of no regrets. All these choices have made me into the person I am today and I love the person I am today. If I could go back I would do everything the same, I would make the same mistakes and endure the same heartache. Because now, my heart is full, and I have someone in my life that I can call home.
Don’t give up, to the ones suffering and wanting to end it all, please take it from someone who has been through hell and back. Life is hard, it just plain sucks and there will be days when you want to crawl deep into a hole and never come out. Don’t focus on the bad days, because there were days when you were happy and there will be more days of happiness in your future. Each and everyone one of us has the chance to make this life extraordinary, don’t waste it by focusing only on your bad days. Remember the days you laughed, the time you spent in the presence of the ones you loved and hold onto that feeling.
We all have a story to tell, make sure that yours is one of inspiration, laughter, tears and most importantly of strength.