Time to heal

So, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve wrote a blog and while I’m laying in bed I figured what better time to write, so here goes….

My days are going better, are they easier? Not necessarily, but they are better. With distractions like work, family, friends and the wonders of cartoons I can keep my mind busy and not dwell on my thoughts. Sure, it’s always nice to have your alone time with your thoughts, but right now I want to keep myself busy and I’m doing just that.

Along with writing counseling is helping me tremendously with my broken pieces. They will never be put back together the way they were before, but with help I am taking my broken pieces and putting them back together a different way. I still miss my Mom more than words can describe. Even now my mind drifts to happier times when we would sit and laugh at something on tv. I still catch myself picking up my phone and dialing her number to tell her something only to realize when I call nobody will be on the other end.

I try not to let those thoughts invade my mind. Here lately I have been having more dreams about her as well as my grandpa. In one dream I remember vividly that my Mom had passed away, but it was a mistake and I walked into a room and there she was alive and well. I couldn’t even begin to describe how happy I was to see her, I even remember in my dream telling my aunt that seeing my mom alive brought me the greatest happiness I have ever experienced in my entire life. A lot of stuff happened in the dream, but what I remember most is seeing her face and hugging her for what felt like an eternity. I remember seeing her smiling face and how happy she was to tell me that she was ok and wasn’t really gone.

Like any dream though it has to end and this one did. Sadly, I woke up and had to face the harsh reality that it was only a dream. Dreams like that make me want to sleep forever and never wake up, but dreams like that also feel me with comfort. Knowing I got to see my Mom and spend some time with her fills part of that empty hole in my heart.

Some people may say dreams aren’t real and they are just our subconscious minds working. Others, like myself feel that dreams are in fact very real and some of the lucky ones that we get to have are actually visits with lost loved ones. Say what you want about dreams, but I know that sometimes in dreams our loved ones visit us, only for a little bit just to let us know they are ok. If those little bits are all I can get for right now with my mom until I get to heaven then I will take them. I may not dream about her every night and I might not even get to remember every dream I have with her. As long as I can remember part of a dream with her smiling face and I get to have enough time to wrap my arms around her, then that’s enough for me.

My mothers existence was so important and even though she only graced this world for 57 years I couldn’t have asked for a better role model, teacher, friend and most of all mother. Dreams do help, but they will never take away the pain of not being able to see her. Do I feel her around me? Of course, but feeling just isn’t enough when you’ve been around someone every waking day of your life and suddenly they are taken away. I get so scared and terrified now of everything.

Every little thing that happens I want to ask for my mothers advice or when something happens I want to go tell her right away just to see the expression on her face. Knowing I can never do those things again is a pain I never want anyone to experience. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but sometimes I don’t think people realize how close my mom and I were. Out of my whole life I had only spent at most 3 days without her. On the 22nd of January it will have been 3 months, 3 WHOLE months. I can’t even believe it’s been that long, but most of all I can’t believe I actually survived.

So far 2016 has been an ok year for me, I know recently a lot of famous people have passed. David Bowie and Alan Rickman’s deaths were sad to hear about. My mom is lucky enough to hear a David Bowie concert free of charge while Alan Rickman talks to her in Harry Potter quotes. Until next time, I will finish with the one word I try to incorporate in every blog post, inspired by Professor Snape himself…..always.