This too shall pass
It’s that time again, yes the time for another blog.
Well friends I’m sad to report that the saying “time heals all wounds” is completely and absolutely bogus. The 22nd of March will mark 5 months since my Mom has passed and coincidentally the 23rd of March will mark my Grandpa’s birthday as well as 6 years since his passing.
Six years… that is hard to believe when once if I went a day without him my life felt turned upside down. Six years later my love for him is still the same and my heart still yearns for the day that we will be together again. I think to myself if I can get through 6 years without my Grandpa then maybe, just maybe I can get through my Mom’s passing.
However, there is a HUGE difference, with my Grandpa’s passing I had my Mom by my side. She was there to comfort me and let me know that even though he was gone she was still here to protect me and take care of me. Never did I imagine less than six years later she would meet her own fate and be taken away from me as well. Now, I feel like I am all alone without anyone to console me and my world is so empty and lost without them.
These past few months have been hard, I would be lying if I said they were easy, and that I was moving forward. Because, well, I’m not….my Mom and that day she was taken away from me still runs through my mind like a broken record player. The look on her face as she took her last breaths, the way she couldn’t open her eyes because she had lost too much oxygen to her brain, but what I remember most is the warmth she still held and the way her hand still fit perfectly into my own even after her passing. I remember at the viewing and funeral they couldn’t get her hand to lay completely down because I had held it for so long, it still fit perfectly into mine and I was able to lace our fingers together like they were meant to be there always and I never wanted to let go.
Growing up I was always my Pappy’s girl, he was my best friend and my other half. I always loved my Mom, but I always had a stronger connection to my Grandpa. Mainly because he always gave me whatever I wanted and even when my Mom said no he was always there to come behind her and give me anything. I wouldn’t say I had the perfect childhood, but damn it was pretty close. People always say that my Mom and Grandpa kept me in a bubble and never let me do things on my own and that hurt me. Well, it may have hurt me now because I did become too dependent on them, but I wouldn’t change my childhood for anything. If I could go back and relive my childhood I would remain in that bubble, always because those two individuals gave me life, happiness, hope and most of all they gave me love.
Of course all good things have to come to an end and at 13 my world was turned around when within 2 weeks apart both my Mom and Grandpa got sick and I honestly thought I was going to lose them both. No 13 yr old wants to hear the words “orphan” or “adoption” but the sad truth is many kids hear that everyday and most are younger than 13. Thankfully even though my Grandpa became disabled and couldn’t walk I was still blessed to have him in my life for 10 more years. He had to give up farming and his big red truck which to this day I still miss riding in, but I was still able to make more memories with him and I will always cherish the time we had together, good and bad.
My Mom got well enough to take care of my Grandpa the whole 10 years he was sick and believe it or not her health didn’t decline until after my Grandpa passed. It’s as if God knew that he had to keep my Mom well long enough to take care of my Grandpa. I only wish he would have kept her well enough for a bit longer because I would have loved to have had more time with her and for her to be with me to experience more of life’s adventures. My Mom became unable to walk not long after my Grandpa passed. So, here again I was dealt with another bad deck of cards and had another parent unable to move. It was hard and there were times when I wanted to give up, but I look back on those times now and realize at least I still had her in my presence. At least she was there with me even though she wasn’t in the best of health.
After graduating college and finding a job in my field my Mom’s health declined and as I have explained in past posts I chose to ignore her declining health. Like I stated before no kid ever wants to be an orphan at 13, well the same goes for the age of 27. Sadly, God thought that 27 was the age that I needed to defend for myself, so at the mere age of 27 I lost the last living individual that truly held the final piece of my heart.
I am sure people get sick of seeing my posts about losing a parent and I am sure my friends get tired of hearing of my depression, but I can promise you this is a life long process and it will never go away. I will always post about losing a parent, maybe with time they won’t be so frequent, but they will be there. I can only say if you don’t want to see them, then look away or better yet get rid of me as a friend. Until you know the depth of losing not one, but both your parents I don’t want to hear that you know what it’s like. I am not being hateful by any means, but I will assure you that more posts will come from me about losing the people I love. So, if you don’t want to see or read about my journey then all I ask is that you remove yourself from my life.
I have been trying to weed out all the good and bad from my life and yes, I have lost some friends through this journey of living in a world without my Mom. Do I miss those said friends? Yes. Do I wish things could have been different? Yes. Do I regret our time together? No. Would I ever want to have them back in my life again? Absolutely not….the way I see it is, if you can’t be there for me through the most difficult time I will ever have in my life then I sure as hell don’t want you with me when I succeed and become something amazing. :)
That being said, yes I am depressed and I am constantly sad. Grief will do that to you and like I have read in past posts from others it will hit you like a ton of bricks. I can’t remember the last time i actually went to sleep without having at least one tear roll down my cheek. I don’t cry myself to sleep every night, but here lately most nights consume myself in nothing but tears. It seems the more tears fall down my face the higher the wall around myself becomes. I have pushed many friends and family away and even after constant arguments of them telling me how much they care I still refuse to believe it. I hope one day I can accept their help and their love, but right now the light at the end of that tunnel keeps getting dimmer and dimmer and now I am not sure if it’s worth fighting for anymore. However, no matter how bad I feel or how lonely I become I will continue to fight because all I ever want is to make my Mom and Pappy proud. Here lately I know they are looking down on me and I can feel they are sad. I know they never meant to put their little girl through all this pain and I know if they had it their way they would still be with me by my side. God had different plans though and I always tell myself if you are still breathing then God still has a purpose for you, so I suppose for right now God still has a purpose on this Earth for me and isn’t done with me just yet.
Someday I hope I can spread my word of grief to others who have experienced a “not so” wonderful life and have been dealt with bad cards. I want to be a teacher and healer for others and speak of my life and let others know you are not alone. I want others to learn from me and I want to learn from others. Nobody’s life is nowhere near perfect and some have a better draw of the hand than others. I want to find those people who feel like they keep losing every hand they are dealt. I want to show them that not every hand that is drawn is bad and one day you will get that full house and win the jackpot. There is a will for living and that will is God and with my experiences I want to share that will of living to others, that with God all things are possible.
Teaching others is a great passion of mine, as well as writing. If it wasn’t for writing then I am not sure if I could get through all the ups and downs of grief. Writing truly is my favorite way to escape and get my feelings out there. I love writing blogs and I love it even more when I receive feedback from others explaining how incredible they feel after reading what I have to write. If one person happens to come across my blog and read what I have to say then that is wonderful, but I mostly put these blogs up as a healing process for myself. If others want to take the time to read them then thank you. I hope that in writing people get a more in depth look at how I am feeling and what it’s like to be an orphan at 27 in this big giant world.
Never once do I want anyone’s pity, but I hope after people read this they can smile and say “hey, that girl is going to be alright.” It’s still hard and it’s going to take a long time for me to actually believe that I am going to be ok, but with each blog I write I feel like I am getting closer and closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I said earlier the light is pretty dim, as I write I see the dim light shine just a little brighter.