Unfortunate Confessions

You know in my last blog when I talked about being happy and moving forward?

About that…..

Let’s just say that relapses suck, a lot. Heck, they suck a whole heck of a lot. They.Are.Just.Bad……but they happen and here recently I had a relapse.

Things were and still are looking up, I am still breathing (not by choice) and for whatever reason unknown to me, God still has a purpose for me on this world. I don’t understand why, I feel as if I have nothing to live for. People are always telling me to start living for myself, but if I did that then I wouldn’t be living at all. Life is hard. Being with your Mom from birth to death and not having any time apart can damage a soul. It wasn’t enough that my Grandpa who was practically my Dad was taken away in 2010, 5 years later my Mom meets the same fate. Here I am at the young age of 27, no kids, no husband…I can’t even have my own freaking cat in my apartment.

I am not trying to have a pity party, if you know me you know that I despise pity. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me.

I just want to understand why.

There are plenty of Mother’s out there who don’t get the attention and love they deserve, same goes for kids. Sons and daughters leave all the time, but they know there Mom or Dad are just one call away. I am not saying I rather them die, I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. Sadly, it is something that will eventually happen. Why now? Why so soon? Could I not enjoy at least one more Christmas, birthday, Easter or moment with my Mom? Even if my Mom lived to be 100 it still wouldn’t be enough, but it would of been a hell of a lot better to have here with me longer than what she was. I feel as though her life was cut too soon. She was a remarkable woman, so strong, independent, beautiful and intelligent. She was my role model and exactly the type of person I wanted to grow up to be. I looked up to her so very much.

She was so strong when she felt weak, ready to give up, but still kept going. Even until the end she still struggled to stay alive and managed to flat line 5 different times before she went. She was a winner and the most strongest individual I, or anyone will have the chance to meet. She lived a life full of health problems and taking care of the ones she loved. She never got to experience a full life and it’s not fair. She was SUCH a good person, read her bible every night, never cussed or raised her voice. She was, in my eyes perfection. She tried her best to live life by putting everyone before herself and ironically enough that is what ended up being her downfall. Because she was so focused on everything and everyone else she chose to ignore the signs that her health was declining…

….and so did I.

I knew she was sick, I knew her health was going downhill, but I refused to believe it. Who wants to witness their Mom slowly drift away with every breathe she takes knowing there is nothing you can do? I had to stand back and watch as my Mom was dying right before my eyes and instead of standing by her side I ignored every sign. When she would cough I would turn the other way, when she couldn’t walk I would act as if I didn’t see her stumble and when she would tell me she didn’t have much time left I would yell and tell her she was wrong. I feel like such a monster at times and I wish I could go back.

The hardest part of any of this is learning to live without your Mom, but also the flashbacks that come along. Everything I do triggers a memory, sometimes good and sometimes bad. I can’t even watch a show without reflecting on how it reminds me of my Mom. One of the worst flashbacks is when my brain goes back to the night she died. She flat lined 5 different times before finally going, honestly I can’t describe a worser hell than watching your Mom’s heart stop and then restart. It was like a slap in the face each time because with every breath she took I thought maybe she would wake up from her coma.

Words cannot describe my pain, I miss my Mom so much and I know I’ve heard that you can die from a broken heart. Well, my heart should stop beating anytime now. My Mom should have had a long full filing life. She deserved only the best and I feel like she was denied that opportunity. I’m sure Heaven has many rewards, I just wish I was up there to spend it with her. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about ending it all. Here lately the temptation is at its worst, but I know my Mom wants more from me. She wants me to live and grow, but God it’s so hard to want to live when your will for living was taken away.

I wish everyone who is reading this the best of luck and take it from me, never take a moment for granted.

Eternity is never enough when you’re in the presence of someone you love.