When You Feel Too Much…

Not long ago I read a book titled ‘If you feel too much’. I could relate to just about every aspect of it from your heart squeezing in your chest feeling like it might explode at a beautiful view to feeling like everything is falling apart and you can’t lift your heavy head to look at what’s to come within the day let alone years ahead.

With the recent life defining moments I’ve experienced like finishing university and achieving something I never thought I would, I have been having positive feelings such as ecstasy, relief and sheer joy.

But just the other day I experienced something which was far more familiar; rejection and pain and simply not feeling good enough. It was something so small and shouldn’t have had an effect on my day more than perhaps 5 minutes of upset. But instead I woke up feeling distraught, unable to stop crying and down like I haven’t t in a while.

I’m sure everyone has experienced rejection by the opposite (or same) sex. It sucks. Even if it’s not actually a proper relationship yet. But finding out that a crush that you have really liked for a while really doesn’t like you back and in fact has something developing for your best friend, really doesn’t feel great. On the one hand you are trying your absolute best to be happy for your friend because her happiness is way more important to you than your own. But it’s hard. And it hurts. And when you feel too much. It feels even worse. Unbearable in fact.

So much so that you find yourself sitting alone on a stone wall on an idyllic Greek island racked with uncontrollable sobs. Your first panic attack in months, maybe even a year. So no medication to calm me down. Is it the rejection from someone I had only really liked for a few months? Or is it those familiar feelings of not being good enough. Of not being thin enough. Of not being pretty enough. Of being unwanted and alone for the rest of my life and then feeling so guilty for caring so much when there are far more important things to worry about.

It shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t affect me like this. But it does. Because I feel too much. And in the future I am going to have to decide whether the potential for good moments and times of pure love and happiness make up for the times that I know my heart will not just be broken but ripped out and crushed to within an inch of its life.

I still don’t know if it’s worth it. I want to believe it is. But at the moment, if I think about the way I feel now and then multiply that by hundreds if I was in a relationship, perhaps thousands for a long term relationship. I don’t think I could handle that.

I just feel TOO much.