Trump’s Proposed New World Heritage Sites

Casey Rand
Jan 29, 2018 · 5 min read

“To be included on the World Heritage List, sites must be of outstanding universal value and meet at least one out of ten selection criteria.” - UNESCO.org


UNESCO Criteria I: “to be an outstanding example of a traditional human settlement, land-use, or sea-use which is representative of a culture (or cultures) […]”

Proposed Site: MAR-A-LAGO, PALM BEACH FLORIDA

President’s Notes: Many people say Mar-a-lago is the best resort in America. Honestly, it’s probably the best in the world. Let me tell you. The rugs are flown in from Morocco every morning and the cleaning staff is flown back to Mexico every night. The rooms smell like burnt steak. They shot an episode of the Real Housewives of Miami in the restaurant. Fantastic women. Vicious. Not my taste. But some men like that. Asian Abe ate cheesecake here during a North Korean missile strike. Nice guy.


UNESCO Criteria II: “to exhibit an important interchange of human values […]”

Proposed Site: FOX AND FRIENDS STUDIO, NEW YORK CITY

President’s Notes: There’s so much fake news out there, folks. It’s out of control. Fox & Friends is very fair. They talk about me and say, “He’s doing a good job. He’s doing unemployment. He’s doing taxes.” Fair and Balanced. That used to be Fox’s tagline. I thought it was good, but they changed it. I love visiting the studio in Rockefeller Center. Sometimes you see Rockettes in the hallway. The legs on these girls. WOW. They’re so long. They’re the longest legs. I touch them.


UNESCO Selection Criteria III: “to be an outstanding example of a type of building […] which illustrates (a) significant stage(s) in human history”

Proposed Site: KFC, NORTHEAST WASHINGTON DC

President’s Notes: Have you tasted the chicken at this place? No one does better chicken. It’s juicy. It comes in a bucket. The drive-thru attendant speaks very good English. He knows me. My driver pulls up to the mouth thing and I say “thighs only!” The place goes crazy. They cheer. I’m in and out and home in time for Hannity. Great location. Close to the White House. You could walk. But driving is better. Walking is for losers. You know who likes to walk? Nancy Pelosi. Maybe that’s why she’s too tired to make deals. Weak on crime. I love chicken.


UNESCO Selection Criteria IV: “to be outstanding examples representing major stages of earth’s history, including the record of life […]”

Proposed Site: THE WALL, US/MEXICO BORDER

President’s Notes: Not built yet, but will be very good. A great, strong wall. The greatest in history. Mexico will pay. If not, maybe we charge to see it?


UNESCO Selection Criteria V: “to represent a masterpiece of human creative genius”

Proposed Site: DONALD TRUMP’S BRAIN, INSIDE DONALD TRUMP

President’s Notes: The fake news media loves to say I’m not smart. Even though I’ve told them a million times that I have the best brain. They hear it, but they don’t print it. I’m telling you, you want to protect my amazing brain. Roosevelt was very smart, but people close to him tell me I’m smarter. I won the presidency on my first try and I was blindfolded the whole time. People thought those were my eyes, but it was just a blindfold with my eyes printed on it.


UNESCO Selection Criteria VI: “to contain superlative natural phenomena or areas of exceptional natural beauty and aesthetic importance”

Proposed Site: THE WOODS, CHAPPAQUA NY

President’s Notes: This is where Crooked Hillary went to hide after losing the election so badly she couldn’t stand it. A woman saw her hiking and went over and said, “You didn’t go to Wisconsin. You didn’t go. Huge mistake. You sent emails. You should be locked up. #MAGA.” Hillary was with her dumb dog. Dogs are disgusting. They go to the bathroom in public. They go and it sticks to their fur and then they rub it on the carpet. Sometimes they eat it. Pathetic.


UNESCO Selection Criteria VII: “to be directly or tangibly associated with events or living traditions, with ideas, or with beliefs […] of outstanding universal significance”

Proposed Site: TOWN OF CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA

President’s Notes: Some very fine people went to Charlottesville to fight for their rights. I don’t remember which rights exactly, but it got a lot of coverage. I mean, ratings were huge. Walmart sold out of tiki torches. There were literally no more tiki torches in the state of Virginia. I single-handedly saved the tiki torch industry. No one talks about that. They just talk about the negative. One girl died, but honestly, she was very loud and wearing pants. Millions of people died when Obama was president, of all kinds of things, but the media focuses on this one girl. Sad.


UNESCO Selection Criteria VIII: “to bear a unique or at least exceptional testimony to a cultural tradition or to a civilization which is living or which has disappeared”

Proposed Site: THE NATIONAL MALL, WASHINGTON DC

President’s Notes: People tell me this is a very nice mall. The nicest mall. I hope to visit one day, but as you know, I’m very busy. My favorite store is The Sharper Image. They have a chair that can make you come. Believe me. Incredible.


UNESCO Selection Criteria IX: “to be outstanding examples representing significant on-going ecological and biological processes in the evolution and development of terrestrial, fresh water, coastal and marine ecosystems […]”

Proposed Site: ARCTIC NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE, ALASKA

President’s Notes: This would have been a pretty nothing place, but Lisa Murkowski, I call her “Tough Lisa,” she wouldn’t sign the tax bill unless we drilled here, so now it’s going to be very special. We might get rid of the animals too. These animals are total zeros. They’re stupid. Some of them have horns. Have you seen horns? They’re very dangerous. Less horns wouldn’t be a terrible thing. And we’re not calling it “Wildlife Refuge” anymore. We’re calling it “Snowy Oil Hole.” I made that up. “Snowy Oil Hole.” Have you heard that before? I invented it. Like Einstein. Dear friend. One of the best Jews.


UNESCO Selection Criteria X: “to contain the most important and significant natural habitats for in-situ conservation of biological diversity, including those containing threatened species […]”

Proposed Site: COAL MINES, USA

President’s Notes: We’re bringing back coal and we’re bringing it back fast, ok? The miners love Trump. They come to my rallies. They bring signs. “Trump Digs Coal!” You’ve seen the signs. I do, I like coal. Well, I’ve never actually touched it. I don’t like dirt. These people are very dirty. Honestly, it’s a problem. Filthy people. But loyal. I visit them and I wear the little hat and I drop dollar bills into the mines and they fight over them. It gets bloody. Their lungs are very bad, but they can’t see a doctor because Sleazy Bill Clinton didn’t pass universal health care 25 years ago. Total rapist. Vince Foster. Enron.

Casey Rand

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Author of People Who Deserve It, Creative Director at Droga5, Contributor @ The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, etc. Born with one long armpit hair // caseyrand.com