I Was Fed Up With Dating Fails in Real Life So I Tried a Social Experiment to Date in VR
Dude, dating kinda sucks.
It was never really easy back in the good ol’ days before dating apps.
We like to kid ourselves and put the blame on dating apps.
That’s what I did.
I blamed myself for not knowing how an app worked because I was married for 9 years and never considered it before or blamed potential matches behaviour on the now considered, social norms of online dating.
But this wasn’t going to make any difference of the outcome I was looking for. I also knew that I had a lot of past relationships that I would always jump into and haven’t given myself the opportunity to reflect on what I need to change to make the next one better.
So I decided to change my approach on the brink of a global pandemic on 28 March 2020 to stop meeting up with people. I wouldn’t give myself any credit to this, in fact, it was due to my Sassy friend’s advice to not leave my house and stay away from the possibility of contracting Covid-19. I finally listened to her.
But I still wanted connection and to use this time to really deep dive into a self-exploration.
I set up some rules to do a social experiment for 8 weeks dating only in VR. This allowed me to stay on track, make sure my equipment was prepared and I thought of it more as a challenge towards a goal of finding love within the time vs just randomly dating people in VR.
My rules were:
1. No looking up people on social media outside of the app before a date.
The reason behind this is that I wanted it to go in blind, have as little knowledge about the person so that I could learn about them through our connection in virtual reality.
2. Friends & People I know are dateable.
Must apply rule 1 from the time I know they want to have a date with me. (I set up a calendly link for people to book time with me.)
3. Must charge headset all day for dates.
I have an Oculus Go. It doesn’t last long. I broke this rule many times.
4. Dates are scheduled for 2 hours.
The other person could leave before but even if I didn’t feel like I was into the person I would stay the entire time.
5. No dating, no sex in real life.
Self love, OK! I mean, how could I go 8 weeks without that?
I also had requirements from daters that was on my website. Yeah, I built a website since I figured it would be best to make a website and direct people there to learn about this and make a decision if they wanted to date me or not.
- must have access to a VR headset
- sex-positive, any gender
- speak english
What I knew was that it would be difficult for me to find people to date in VR but I changed my Tinder profile to say I only date in VR. Just went swiping away and wasted lots of time there.
I did get my first date from Inner Circle, the guy ghosted me and I was stood up on my very first attempt!
When dating apps fail, what do you do?
I hit up Reddit, I hit up Twitter, I hit up Facebook friends and groups. Niche communities with people who are passionate about VR was a good choice.
My second date came from Reddit. I won’t go into detail but I will say we ended up dating in VR for the period of the entire 8 weeks.
I had dates with people in Europe, US and finally here in my home of Singapore. They were male, female and not always single. However, the transparency of being in a relationship and curiosity for dating me in VR was refreshing versus dating someone in real life who would hide that they were in a relationship.
Now, you’re probably wondering if I learned anything really about this experiment.
ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!
Here are a few:
- dating in VR is awkward, yet learning the tech with malfunctions/bugs and all is truly a shared experience
- instead of seeking validation from my dates, which has been something I’ve always done in the past I found myself seeking understanding of my own emotions. I journaled after each date which also helped me form a habit of journaling every morning and night.
- it’s easier for me to open up about who I am as an individual
- male and female voices are really sexy
- body language is still a big part of attraction even if the movements are from an avatar
- I felt 100% in control at all times in the dates. If you are a female reading this you might have never had this experience ever in your life. Maybe you’ve had an experience on a real date where you were pressured into something you didn’t want to do or you felt obligated to do something you didn’t want to do…or worse!
As a victim of sexual abuse and as someone who has been in multiple situations where there was fear in the back of my head during a date, these VR experiences dating are truly powerful. I’m not going to say that dating in VR is empowering because I don’t feel it’s quite the right word; this word sets the wrong tone that someone has to give you power for you to be empowered. (If you’re a dude reading this, maybe you’ll never know or maybe someone will create VR empathy training for dudes to know what it’s like for a woman on a date!)
To share a little bit more about that, here’s a little clip of my feature on Channel News Asia.
Now it’s mid July and I’m still dating in VR with someone I was introduced to by a mutual friend. So while my 8-week experiment to find love didn’t work out the way I wanted, I’m happy with this personal journey of exploring life, love, relationships and communication in an immersive environment.
UPDATE: 8 May 2022
I’m still friends with one of my daters from this experiment. His friendship is something that I hold dear and I look forward to one day meeting him in person. I’m no longer dating in VR buuut I have something else you might be interested in experimenting with me.
Big props to the Golf+ team for building a product that brings access to an exclusive real life sport!
