A Message To The Guy Who Blue Shelled Me At The Finish Line

Hello, you may not remember me but I’m the person who was playing as Princess Peach on Mario Kart Wii last week, Still don’t remember me? How about this: I’m the one who was in 1st the entire race until you threw a blue shell and made me end in 7th as opposed to my deserved victory. Did it feel good? Did it make you feel accomplished to suck so bad at things that you stayed in 12th the whole time and only contributed to the race in order to screw me over and rid me of my win?

I hate you. I hate everything you stand for. You are like a parasite that sucks at even being a pest. Yes you did blue shell me and in the process fuck me like it was my wedding night, but you still ended in last. You didn’t even finish, instead you limply came to a halt miles away from the finish line. It was the first time in recorded history that a car needed a Viagra.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. After all Mario Kart is a pretty difficult game to play when your mother is in the next room telling you what a disappointment you are. I know that whole “turning left” thing is a bit more complex than you can handle as shown that anytime there was even the slightest bend in the track you’d fly off course like some sort of drunk stunt pilot.

I’ve seen newborns with better lap times than you.

Watching you navigate bowser’s castle was like watching the most ineffective suicide in history. You throw yourself into obstacles more often than deer on a freeway.

Despite all this you still managed to pick up an item box on the final lap, and while I was quickly closing in on my victory and ready to bask in the glory of a pretend trophy, you were hitting the “L” button. Just when I rounded the final turn and I was so close to the finish line that I could piss on it, I exploded, at the same time 6 people went roaring past me. 6 people that had tried vainly to overtake me only to never have it happen, but when you managed to stop eating paint chips long enough to realize that you had an item it was all taken from me.

I hope you step on a lego.