Screw The Chocolate Strawberry Pop-Tart
I love Pop-Tarts. I know saying that makes me seem like either a 5 year old or a stoner with a kellogg’s coupon, but I admit it anyway.
I believe that Pop-Tarts can do very little wrong. Sure there are shitty flavors (who was the sick person who came up with unfrosted Pop-Tarts?) even so I’ve never come across a Pop-Tart that is inedible and made me regret that I had taste buds.
At least until one fateful day at the grocery store. I was in the breakfast items isle (read “diabetes on a two for five sale”) when I came across the chocolate strawberry flavour Pop-Tart. I enjoy the chocolate and the strawberry Pop-Tart so surely this will be a pleasant way to enjoy both worlds without making the world’s saddest sandwich.
I was naive.
The chocolate strawberry Pop-Tart was clearly not the chocolate Pop-Tart filled with the strawberry filling. This was a monster shitting on the name of the two ingredients. The pastry part tasted like cardboard that had a night of forbidden desires in a Motel 6 with coca powder. Every bite felt it should’ve had the “Recycle this” logo on it. The filling was even worse, there must have been a fuck up at the factory or something because that pile of vaguely red goo was clearly the shit dentists use to polish teeth. Not a good dentist either, The kind who only accepts cash and advertises his practice on a piece of plywood on the side of an entrance ramp. The combination of the two things was so sweet that you could feel your teeth buzzing and your dental care premiums rising.
Please listen to my advice. I felt the wrath of the chocolate strawberry Pop-Tart please don’t let the same happen to you.