Irritable people are irritating

And I think I’m one of them.

When you go out of your room and linger with other people you meet different types of personalities. Some are loud and outgoing, some maybe composed and cool, jolly and talkative. Then there’s me, quiet and awkward. I have not been able to build up my confidence through the 20 years I have lived on this planet. I haven’t taken the change to go out, hang out with friends, get drunk. I wish I could rewind time and redo things I have done wrong. I should’ve taken every chance to make friends, talk, express what’ s on my mind.

But I didn’t. I shied away from social stuffs. Oh why. That’s the biggest mistake I have been my whole life. I’m missing out on things! When I look at other 20 year old’s they act mature, have confidence. While me? Tsk. Wait, I should not be downing my self. Why not pursue those things now. It’s not too late yet. I’m just 20. Yeah, I’m just 20. But when the times come when I need to speak out, this stupid mouth won’t open. And when it opens I just babble words humans don’t understand. My insides feel so embarrassed. How do I get out of this misery? How do I fix my self. Is this just who I really am? Do I just have to follow the quote, “Just be yourself”?

What if this isn’t the person who I want to be? I want to be the person who’s approachable and people would love to be talking with. How will I become that person. Why is it hard to fucking change? Why can’t I just man up to it?

How can I try to do these things and not look like I’m pretending? Because most of the times, I feel like I am. I am acting nice so people won’t say anything bad about. But whatever I do anyway, they will judge me. I think the first step to being yourself is, finding yourself. What’s the true you?

Well I don’t really know. And I think I’m a self-centered person. I was suppose to talk about other people then suddenly my essay diverted to me. F*ck.