How I lost my five best friends
The friends I’ve loved and lost have informed the way I make friends now, which is why I don’t exactly make them easily…
Initially, I wanted this post to be about how hard to it so be an adult woman without any really close friends. Now, I have friends. I have a lot of people around me who are kind, and generous, and helpful. However, for the most part, these people are all rooted in my professional life. In my personal life, things are very different. But in order to talk about where I am now, I have to talk about the friendships that were. That have been. I’ve had 5 “best friends” in my life. And I’ve lost them all.
It’s important to note that with all of these friendships, I don’t think I am blameless. I didn’t speak up or stand up for myself until the very end, when it was too late. I didn’t show up fully to each of these friendship. I didn’t trust my gut and my instinct. I went along with things. I swallowed feelings, pride, and a lot of bullshit. I allowed myself to be steamrolled. I let opportunities for growth and deeper connection pass me by through fear of conflict or rejection. I never understood that relationships were two-way experiences, because I was too afraid what might happen otherwise. Who knows how this fear caused me to behave, who knows whose feelings I hurt by seeming indifferent.
