I wondered about most of the same things for a long time, but one year I was appalled at what was happening with the kids in a christian church and I decided I was done with it.
About a year later I experienced an event that stunned me. The people who were with me recognized that words I said were manifest in an object I found the next day but there was more to it that I was afraid to talk about.
I spent four years wondering if that was how God worked. I had heard of people experiencing miracles and wondered if “one” happened in a random person’s life every so often so people constantly asked questions about God, recognized that miraculous events happen, etc.
Four years later another mind-blowing event occurred and there was no way I could believe the level of it could be coincidence. It made me believe that God was truly there for me.
About three years later I experienced another event that helped me get out of an abusive marriage, and it took me ten more years, and what I describe as the third “profound” event that made me switch the direction of my writing (I had been writing about family/women’s issues for years), to focus on what has been happening in my life.
I believe these kinds of events happen to everyone at some point. For some it may be very late in life. I was in my late 30s.
Patience is one of the keys. Being willing to listen. And continuing to seek information.
Those are all incredibly important and it is clear from your post that you are doing all of them. I wish you the best on your journey.