Why do people get sad, angry or complain and how to change it?
I decided to write an article about how I believe things work. I hope this will help you be more calm and bring more positivity into your life.
Each of us is usually sad or angry, when we fail to reach a goal or something goes wrong. (Imagine not being successful in some project at work, missing a bus or having some problem with a computer)
When we racionally thing about it (it’s usually easy when you see somebody else in this situation), we realize, that being angry or sad has no positive effect — more likely a negative one.
For example, sometimes can get to a fight with a friend when we are angry and we don’t do anything useful when we are sad. And nobody likes people who complain.
So why do we do these things, even if we can see and feel, that they are not helping us?
Generally speaking, we solve problems by using creativity and reasoning together with our skills and we come up with some solution. However, sometimes we just can’t figure out anything good, for example when:
- The problem is too difficult
- Something, that can’t be fixed happened
- We underestimate ourselves or we are afraid
And in these cases we forget about racionality and automatically do what our memory (experience) tells us that should work.
And that is the main issue.
We actually believe, that complaining, being sad or being angry will help us, because there were many times in the past, when it really worked!
When we were kids without skills, knowledge and physical strength, our almighty parents were always there to solve anything that afflicted us. All we had to do was to cry or yell and our parents would come and help us.
Unfortunately, situation has changed a lot:
- We want to be independent adults
- Problems, that we encounter are much more complicated than those we were solving in childhood so we are not prepared to work diligently for a long time.
- Many problems (actually majority of problems) are just outside our reach — like when our car suddenly breaks or it starts to rain when we want to go out. We don’t realize, that there is nothing we or anyone can do. Many more serious problems are also in this category, like death or breaking up with partner. And we are not used to have issues, that can’t be fixed.
So we try to use a solution, which is obsolete, but we are so used to it, that we don’t realize, that it’s no longer working. Parents are not usually close now, and even if they were, they couldn’t help us — these problems are too difficult or impossible even for them.
What “helps” this issue even more?
- We are taught in school to repeat stuff, more than come up with our own ideas
- Demand for perfection keeps getting higher and our self-confidence is in danger
- Some parents spoil us with their care and do things instead of us, thus we don’t get any experience and courage to solve problems. Sadly, it’s easier for us than being independent.
- Many people seek perfection, so asking for help just doesn’t look good
I also think that some people unintentionally yet strongly believe this pattern so that they actively look for or create reasons to be sad just to call for a help.
So how to change?
Self-control improvement is needed.
- Whenever problem occurs, stick to racional reasoning
- Realize that sadness, complaining and anger are obsolete behavioral patterns, which don’t help anymore.
- Don’t be afraid to experiment and try new ways of doing things. Even if it won’t work, you’ll get some experience.
Whenever problem occurs and you can’t deal with it yourself:
- If it’s unsolvable, don’t think about it and let it be.
- If it’s somehow solvable — ask for an advice from expert or basically anyone, who knows more than you. Obtain new experience and next time you’ll be smarter.
Bad things happen and plans fail. Be smart and be ready.