Nawaz Sharif Never Lies

Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has summoned an extraordinary meeting at the Prime Minister’s House in Islamabad with senior news anchors of the country’s private television channels. He is flanked by the State Minister for Information and Broadcasting Maryam Humayun on his right, and on his left are Pakistan Television Corporation Chairman and CEO Atta-ul-Haq Qasmi, and Minister of Defense Khawaja Asif.

Initiating the proceedings, Maryam Humayun, announces, “It is a momentous occasion that our beloved Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif has invited you to this meeting. No questions can be asked either before, during, or after the Prime Minister’s speech. No one is permitted to use any sort of body language that may be construed to convey any negative comment whatsoever. At appropriate places as indicated in the copy of the speech being held by our honorable Minister of Defense Khawaja Asif, he will signal applause, and all of you will applaud in unison.”

“Thank you Maryam Sahiba for this kind introduction.

“Since July 10, when the Supreme Court was handed the so-called report by the Joint Investigation Team, I have been hearing certain comments, especially by Imran and his party members to cast aspersions on my honesty and character and that of my children and my relatives. Even my younger girl Asma has been brought into this pit of accusations. Is it a sin for parents to give gifts to their children? If I give gifts to Maryam, Husain, and Hassan, why should I leave out my girl Asma?

“Dear friends, there a hadith that once a man had given a gift to one of his children, and he went to our beloved Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) who told him that he should give gifts to his others children as well. I have done my part.”

The Prime Minister pauses, but Khawaja Asif’s efforts fail to generate applause.

The Prime Minister whispers to Maryam Humayun, “I think we should have assigned this task to Daniyal Aziz or Khwaja Saad Rafiq, if he can make the railways work, he can generate applause too. I have heard that in America there are special training centers for cheerleaders. I suggest we should send a few of our people to these centers for training.”

The Prime Minister continues, “First of all, I want to deal with the attacks on the character of my bigger girl, Maryam.

“The JIT is accusing this innocent girl of falsifying the trust deed of the London property, because according to them the font “Colibri” was not available in 2006.

I have been seeing Colibri watches and cigarette lighters since my young age. I have made investigation and this Colibri company was founded in America in 1928. Now they are telling me that this Colibri was not available in 2006.

“You know that like Bill Clinton on whose invitation, I signed the agreement to withdraw my army from forward positions in Kargil, Mr. Bill Gates is also my friend. While like most of you, I am not an IT engineer but Mr. Gates told me that in his company’s Microsoft Word program, it is absolutely legal for a user to decide what type style to use. So what is this nonsense about using Colibiri before it was invented! This Colibiri is not new; I told you that its products have been in the market since 1928.

“I have been told by a marketing expert that after electronic typewriters were introduced in 1978, sales of electric models began to decline. So now no one is using electric typewriter, what to say of manual typewriters. Then what do you expect that Maryam should have used for creating documents that were being demanded by this JIT?

“I can only empathize with President Donald Trump whose son is being attacked by the media and the Democrats. My office gave me this and I quote what he wrote on Twitter, ‘He — meaning his son who has the same name like him — was open, transparent and innocent. This is the greatest Witch Hunt in political history. Sad!’”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

“My enemies … the enemies of Pak-China projects are saying that the JIT are saying that an exorbitant hike in the buildup of my assets occurred during my first tenure of premiership, and also that inflows mentioned in my tax returns do not commensurate with my growth. They are saying that it leads to the presumption that our empire was not based on legal monetary sources. So what! Lot of time people make wrong assessment. Ask Imran Khan how many times he correctly decided to bat or bowl first after winning the toss?

“Yes, this is increase in assets is a natural phenomenon. Even though Benazir Bhutto was prime minister and not Asif Zardari, his assets skyrocketed in her first term and also in her second term, from him being a partner in Bambino cinema in Karachi to a multimillionaire … multibillionaire.”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

The Prime Minister continues, “They are saying that money was transferred back and forth to my party and by my party to me. Don’t they know the name of my party? Let me tell them again, it is Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz! It is my party, the party of Mian Nawaz Sharif and his family.”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

The Prime Minister hurriedly continues, “They are saying that I have three foreign currency accounts. So do I pay in rupees when I am shopping at Harrods for your Bhabi or my children?”

The Prime Minister pauses again, and once again Khawaja Asif fails to generate applause.

Irritated though, but the Prime Minister continues, “Imran Khan is saying and now I find Asif Zardari is joining him in saying that I had promised to resign if the JIT report found me at fault.

“OK. Let me ask did Asif Zardari resign when he refused to send the letter to the Swiss court after the Supreme Court ordered him to do so? So why is he copying Imran Khan and singing his tune of Nawaz Sharif resign?

“Imran Khan is always making noise about winning cricket World Cup in 1992, but what about 1987? Who was captain? Did Imran Khan resign after Pakistan was eliminated in the semi-finals?

“What did Imran do? He came home, which was in Zaman Park, Lahore, at that time!

“When did I say that I would resign? Qasimi Sahib, here, play the part I told you on this big screen for these people from my speech of April 22, 2016. They can decide for themselves. And Qasimi Sahib get this part played on PTV, hour after every hour.”

The speech comes on the big screen. The Prime Minister lets it play out and continues, “Now you see that I never said that I will resign. I you want Qasimi Sahib can rerun it for you to see it again and again. All I said was that I will go home … am I loitering on the streets of Islamabad like whom many call ‘Pindi boys? I am in my home, as Prime Minister, my home is this, here, the Prime Minister’s House.

“I am true to my words. When I need to travel to Lahore, I will go to my other house, which is in Raiwind.

“I was never into loitering on streets. Like all good children, at maghrib time, I was in my home. You can ask my Ammaji. Because of this, she always said that I was a good boy. I never said anything about resignation.

“Imran Khan should know that Nawaz Sharif Never Lies!”

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