O Father Have Mercy on the Gluten-free

Penelope “Pinks” O’Kennedy was cheerfully getting ready for the Sunday service at the Roundabout Catholic Church, when the ringing of her cellphone broke her camaraderie.

“Pinks … Pinks … O Father, Son, and Holy Ghost … Pinks. Did you hear what the Vatican announced just now? I am missing a few heartbeats since I heard it on Channel 420. Pinks we can’t get communion with gluten-bread anymore,” gushed Jane “Starks” O’Gennes.

“Starks … I mean did you hear it yourself?”

“Yes, Pinks! Blessed be the most holy Name of Jesus without end! It was on Channel 420 a few minutes go. This is absolute cruel! I repeat exactly as it was said. The news said that the Vatican has decreed that bread used to celebrate the Eucharist during Roman Catholic masses must not be gluten-free — although it may be made from genetically modified organisms.

“What Starks! Really! So GM bread is OK with Our Father!”

“And gluten is in Pinks.”

“But Starks how did the Father … Pope Francis determine that gluten-free bread will not undergo transubstantiation and convert into the body of our Lord … Praise be Jesus Christ!”

“So Pinks here goes our weight reduction plan.”

“Starks, praise the Lord … they did not proscribe organic wine.”

“Yes. At least organic wine is going through the transubstantiation needed to make it the Christ’s blood.”

“Don’t know what religion are Gwyneth Paltrow, Victoria Beckham and Rachel Weisz because they all are gluten-free.

“Starks this is a conspiracy against Catholic women. Does the Holy Father want all of his female herd to be plump?” asked Pinks.

“Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make our hearts like unto yours. Amen. Pinks, we should draw up a petition to Cardinal Timothy Dolan, president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. We Americans, are 22 percent of world’s 1.2 billion Catholics. We deserve to be heard!” declared Starks.

“That’s a great idea. In this petition, we will inform Cardinal Dolan that if the Holy Father does not void his ban on gluten-free bread, we will revolt and have the Eucharist with chocolate chip cookies and beer.

“Cardinal Dolan needs to take serious notion. The Catholic Church cannot become the Church of the Gluten Fed Fat,” shot Pinks.

“I have another idea. Pinks we need to go to the GOP. Melania is Catholic and we can’t have a bloated First Lady. I bet she too goes gluten-free. We need to send a copy of the petition to her too. I am sure she can ask Donald to call Pope Francis on this.”

“Starks we need to look for a few Catholic billionaires to fund a study about which breads and beverages convert into the body and blood of Christ through transubstantiation.

“Of course, there is always your brilliant idea of having Eucharist with chocolate chip cookies and beer.

“I talked to John about your suggestion, and he said that so many networks would benefit with all those cookie and beer commercials tied to Eucharist.”

“Pinks, no way. Tell him it won’t ever be Keebler and Bud! It will be locally-sourced gluten-free organic chocolate chip cookies and organic craft beer. So, here we come Pope Francis!”

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