A Year to Let Go and Let the Universe — 2016

As I reflect on the past year, I find myself ruminating on the power of perceived control, and how illusive it is. The more I’ve believed I have control — over people, events, things — the more persistent life has been to remind me that I don’t. The fact is, we’re all bound to experience unfavorable events in our lifetime; many of which we have very little control over. 2015 was filled with constant reminders that I need to let go of the things I can’t control, and refocus my energy on the things I can— like my perspective, my actions and reactions, my happiness...

I wrote an article a couple months ago about this very topic, quoting a line from one of my favorite novels Infinite Jest — “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” At the time, I was trying to piece together events in a relationship that had far exceeded its sell-by date, to understand where things had gone wrong. I finally came to the conclusion that I have a really hard time letting go of things I can’t control, and in turn, often cause more problems by trying to force things to be that shouldn’t. My fear of the inevitable becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I had a choice — continue running around in circles like a dog chasing my tail, or force myself to sit and be still with the discomfort of the unknown.

And that’s what I’ve chosen to do in 2016.

I’d like forego fear in honor of trusting that every noteworthy event, positive or negative, is a piece of a larger narrative that will one-day create a full story. I’ll look back with satisfaction and a complete understanding of the current and future unknowns…why it did or didn’t work out with what’s his face…why that plan fell through…why another plan succeeded gloriously…every triumph and scar permanently imprinted like some fantastic road map of all the places I’ve been, and the people I’ve known…people I’ve loved…people I’ve learned from…experiences I’ve grown from…

Maybe someday I’ll tell my children he spotted me across the room at a friend’s birthday party and asked what my story was. That we talked very briefly — so briefly that I hardly remember significant details — but it was enough to leave an impression…

Or maybe this one won’t last. Maybe it’s meant to be a short-lived fairy tale in which I’m sitting in the passenger seat of a convertible with the top down in winter, zooming down the PCH, wind blowing through my hair, carrying with it, memories of exes I’ve held on to way too long…memories with really deep claw marks…People who entered my life simultaneously at the right and wrong time. Usually to teach me something, about love or life or myself…Or to help me grow beyond something that was holding me back.

Maybe the Universe knows I’m finally [for reals this time] ready for something better than “Good Enough;” something built on happiness and real love, and beyond that, real like.

I always hope they’ll last forever. Every single one. Every single time. But this time, I don’t want to hope. I want to believe in the best of what we have right now. I want to believe, as I never truly have before, that I am deserving of this immeasurable happiness.

And if that is the thing that propels me... If what it takes is believing I deserve to be adored for 50 years by the same man who, at present, tells me every day that I’m beautiful…that I’m perfect to him, as is…If I believe in today with a full and open heart…maybe tomorrow will be just as good.

That is my goal for 2016…a year of rolling with it.

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