Exhibit of My Revision Process
The Journey Within
Key: * * = deleted, Bold in text = revisions, <>moved paragraph, , revised place for paragraph
If you can’t fix it, you’ve got to stand it.
Jack and Ennis both had parental issues. They were in the wilderness alone. They were always drunk, which made each of them more comfortable. [After drinks…] That is how it all began. The setting of Wyoming made their love more complicated because homosexuality was not allowed. They told people they were friends. “You’re the fishing buddy or the hunting buddy, I know that. Would have let you know,” Jack’s wife said to Ennis, “but I wasn’t sure about your name and address. Jack kept most a his friends’ addresses in his head.” She said. Because their surroundings were small, word traveled fast which made their love a secret. *They were both of different appearance and build.*<After drinks and late nights, they had become attracted to one another>. *Have you ever been forced to separate from a lover?* Forced to separate from one another, their love was not enough to bring them together.
Commentary: I added the setting to the introductory paragraph to better inform the reader and explain the content. With that, I included textual evidence from the book to show the significance of their privacy. I moved the second to last sentence after the third sentence because it flowed better. I disregarded the sentence about their build and appearance because it was unnecessary. In the last sentence, I removed the prior question, and rewrote it as a statement to make the introduction stronger. I believe that the introduction is more informative now.
When they met after years on end the chemistry was always strong and everlasting. They both had troubled marriages but Ennis could not draw up the guts to leave. Ennis worried of what would happen to them for he had seen it for himself as a boy. “Jack, I don’t want a be like them guys you see around sometimes. And I don’t want a be dead.” Ennis said. Jack did not have that experience. He was a man who did not want to hide any longer. He went to Mexico just to fill the void of not being with Ennis. However, his actions in the end cost him his life. How can you stop loving someone who makes you happy?
Commentary: This paragraph lacked textual evidence. Therefore, I added it to make the paragraph stronger. The reader is not only taking my world for it, but they have the characters as well.
In “Brokeback Mountain”, there were six distinctive symbols. The first was the setting, Brokeback Mountain. It was not an ordinary mountain for it represented the time they shared and the love they developed. It was the place Ennis and Jack told their wives they went to fish to cover-up their secret affair. Jack’s wife, Lureen, “thought Brokeback Mountain was around where Jack grew up. But knowing Jack, it might be some pretend place where the bluebirds sing and there’s a whiskey spring.”*Jack’s wife* Lureen thought that Brokeback Mountain was a place in which he got drunk because he told her that was “his place”. Brokeback Mountain was a huge symbol being that it was far away from everything and everyone. It was the place where Jack truly lived and wanted to be set free. When Jack and Ennis would send mail to each other, they used it as a postcard. Brokeback Mountain was their escape from the real world. They could finally be themselves. Being gay cowboys in Wyoming in the 1960s, they did not have that privilege.
Commentary: This paragraph also lacked textual evidence, which I added to build on the secret of Ennis and Jack because Lureen didn’t know the truth.
The fishing rod was a distinctive symbol. It was the “proof” that Jack and Ennis needed to go out. Although, they did not actually fish. It was the opening lie to Ennis’s wife that eventually exposed Ennis in the end. *Due to the fact that he urged* Ennis was desperate to see Jack, he failed to realize that there was a price tag still on the fishing rod. Also, his wife attached a note to the end of it telling Ennis to bring some fish home. “Don’t lie, don’t try to fool me, Ennis. I know what it means. Jack Twist? Jack Nasty. You and him — ” Alma said. But Ennis thought that he could cover-up his true feelings forever. He would keep telling it, until it fell apart. Even then, he would not admit it.
Commentary: I deleted the beginning of the sentence about Ennis because it needed to be more specific. I also added textual evidence to show how Alma exposed the cover-up.
The tire iron was a significant symbol for it was a symbol to show how gay men were murdered. “There was these two old guys ranched together down home, Earl and Rich — Dad would pass a remark when he seen them. I was what, nine years old, and they found Earl dead in a irrigation ditch. They’d took a tire iron to him, spurred him up, drug him around by his dick until it pulled off, just bloody pulp. What the tire iron done looked like pieces a burned tomatoes all over him, nose tore down from skiddin on gravel.” Ennis said. Ennis feared the tire iron. He did not want to be exposed. He wanted to die as man and not a queer. Ennis told Jack the story of how his father made him and brother witness a man laid in an irrigation ditch. The man was murdered for being gay. The tire iron was used for marking almost as if a label. To those who were not familiar, they would assume it came from changing a tire. To those like Ennis, knew it was something much more.
Commentary: I added textual evidence to show the importance of keeping the cover-up a secret and to explain why Ennis was more worried than Jack about the situation.
Next, the ashes were distinctive. Jack’s father said, “Tell you what, I know where Brokeback Mountain is. He thought he was too goddam special to be buried in the family plot.” Instead of Jack’s wishes being carried out, his father overruled. They were star-crossed lovers for they could not cherish their love the way they intended. They still could not have a place to call their own. Even in death, they would be separated only to yearn to be together again.
Commentary: I added textual evidence to show how Jack’s father felt and show how important his ashes were.
The shirts; however, was a piece that Ennis could always see and feel even though they lacked the body of Jack Twist. He found them hidden in a part of the closet. “The shirt seemed heavy until he saw there was another shirt inside it, the sleeves carefully worked down inside Jack’s sleeves. It was his own plaid shirt, lost, he’d thought, long ago in some damn laundry, his dirty shirt, the pocket ripped, buttons missing, stolen by Jack and hidden here inside Jack’s own shirt, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one.”Jack kept Ennis’s shirt to remember him by because he knew that they could never be together. He never washed them. Jack put both of their shirts together because it was a symbol of how they could never be separated. Ennis could not take Brokeback Mountain or the ashes with him, but the shirts he could always have until the day he died.
Commentary: I added textual evidence so the reader could comprehend better and the text could display imagery. This is important in engaging the reader.
(now third paragraph) <Love is an addiction. We cannot help how we feel. Growing up we become who we are based on what we see or even what we are missing. In the end; however, we all cover-up what is inside to protect ourselves from danger or pain. Love is uncontrollable no matter sex or race. It is nature! *In John Legend’s song “All of Me” he states exactly how the main characters in Brokeback Mountain feel about one another:*
*What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright.*
Have you ever tried to make yourself seem normal? Have you ever tried to make yourself believe you did not like something? Well, Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist did. In doing that, they lied to themselves. In turn, there will never be the two of them. There will only be one.>
Commentary: I moved the paragraph because it did not flow while reading the whole essay. I deleted the song lyrics because it did not give the edge I expected.
All of the symbolism show the readers that the star-crossed lovers were in a tight situation giving the year and the setting. *So* Thus, in the process, they would cover-up how they feel. They would tell themselves they were not queers because they had their wives and kids. The emotions were overwhelming at times. When Jack met Alma, Ennis’s wife, he could not stop shaking because it was hard to cover-up how he really felt. Ennis had to stop at the side of the road to try and puke because he couldn’t bear to see Jack leave. They could not alter their situation due to circumstances. Therefore, when people deceive the outcome is always worse. However, the reason for the deception was understandable. In other words, if you can’t fix, you’ve got to stand it!
Commentary: I deleted “so” and replaced it with “thus” because I thought it was a better transition word. I added the bold sentences to relate to the overall theme and to show how emotional Jack is. Overall, all sentences were added to fully develop the conclusion. The whole essay needed revision except one paragraph. However, the product is better.
2) *Apollo vs. Dionysus: Marvin Gaye’s Flee From Spiritual Nature* 2)Angels and Demons: The Sweet Deception of Marvin Gaye
Commentary: I changed the title of the second essay because it was not specific and did not reflect the content of the essay. The revised title contains an oxymoron but is still describes Gaye’s influence on people. It also explains how he battles with the Good and Bad (Apollo and Dionysus). The revision is significant because the reader may be confused on where the two original mythological characters came from.
“My husband never wanted Marvin,” Mrs. Gay told David Ritz. “And he never liked him,” she continued. “He used to say that he didn’t think he was really his child. He didn’t love Marvin and, what’s worse he didn’t want me to love Marvin either,” Mrs. Alberta explained. Given Gaye’s background the only thing that Marvin looked forward to was church because he loved the caring environment *and the* singing exposure, and praise. Religion was the only thing his father had truly given him. Separating himself from his infuriating father, he decided to change his name to Gaye after his first album with Motown, seeing Sam Cooke do the same.
Commentary: I included the praise due to suggestion and it also shows how great of a performer Gaye was, which contributes to why he is so highly viewed.
“The perfect relationship is the one between Jesus and his heavenly Father. They were different, but Jesus and the Father were also the same,” Gaye said. Marvin and his father both wore feminine and unusual clothing, craved attention, and had an addiction. Due to his father falling from God’s grace, Gaye was afraid he would fall too. His father was a great singer like Gaye, but he lost his faith. The jealousy of Gaye was stemmed from this fact and acknowledgement that Gaye received all of Alberta’s attention. Because his father denied his blessing he could never have enough love. He would sabotage to feel hurt and then try to cope afterwards. Cocaine was one of his worst enemies. He would do anything to feel numb. He’d even eat it.
Commentary: I added the sentence because it shows that Gaye and his father are very similar even though Gaye strived to be different. This is significant because it shows how people can’t help who they are born to and sometimes the bad things develop inside them.
Gaye would push his loved ones away due to his mental state. However, they still stayed there as his support because they felt sorry for him. In his 1964 song “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)”, he tells of his emotion during his divorce.
“I needed the shelter of someone’s arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs
I close my eyes at night,
wondering where would I be without you in my life
You were better to me than I’ve been to myself
For me, there’s you and there ain’t nobody else”
In these three stanzas, he shows that he has a very low self-esteem being that he is bad to himself (cocaine) and needs someone (cannot be alone). He had two failed marriages all causes of his insecurities and demands. In his 1968 song “I Heard It All Through the Grapevine”, he exposes his insecurities.
“ I bet you’re wonderin’ how I knew
‘Bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy you knew before
Between the two of us guys
You know I loved you more
It took me by surprise I must say
When I found out yesterday
Don’t you know that I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine
Oh I heard it through the grapevine
Oh I’m just about to lose my mind
I know a man ain’t supposed to cry
But these tears I can’t hold inside
Losin’ you would end my life you see
’Cause you mean that much to me
You could have told me yourself
That you loved someone else
Instead I heard it through the grapevine
And I’m just about to lose my mind
People say believe half of what you see
Son and none of what you hear
But I can’t help but be confused
If it’s true please tell me dear
Do you plan to let me go
For the other guy you loved before?”
Commentary: I added the song’s lyrics to show that Gaye wrote his own songs and based them on his real life issues which makes the argument stronger.
The sad thing is he believed the things that he imagined. This song exposes his urges to die and his accusations towards his wife. He had two failed marriages all causes of his insecurities and demands. He had three children, but he would make claims to do different by them due to his childhood. It was his intention to, but he failed in most areas. He did love his children, but the environment around them was all wrong. They witnessed prostitutes and drug abuse at a very young age. For many, it is hard to accept the loses without having to refer back to them. Gaye became overly paranoid. He thought someone was trying to kill him during the eighteen months of his life. He envisioned being shot to death with a pistol. He even tried on several occasions to commit suicide, but he couldn’t bring himself to commit the sin.
Surprisingly, when he performed he acted perfectly fine, but behind closed doors he was highly dysfunctional. Though successful, but not to the point of satisfaction, Gaye was still a boy. He was confused. His father dressed in woman’s clothing and soon he was too. Some things are bound to happen even if they are not intentional. Gaye never wanted to be like his father, but every day he had different characteristics of him. He’d replace his void of not having a real father with people which whom he admired like Berry Gordy (founder of Motown) and had a manly physique. He wanted to be seen as a man and not a feminist *due to relating to the women so easily* due to him being a guy who did not like confrontation. Gaye was what we call a lover, and not a fighter. Afraid of confrontation, many would say he was not a man because he would run from his problems. His father never held a real job, but his mother always kept the family together. Gaye was a provider although he would not desire to work a hard labor job.
Commentary: I added the following sentences to explain how Gaye was seen as a feminist and expose how he would not deal with his problems. Thus, making his life more troubled.
*On the astrology side, Gaye* Gaye believed in astology. He exemplified the Aries zodiac sign. Gaye like to make his own music. Unlike most, he made music from his emotion. He did not want a song simply for fans to dance to. It took years to compose and finalize his singles. He was the ultimate perfectionist. Gaye was a go-getter. He always found his way out of a jam no matter if there were contracts involved. When confronted, he’d revert to childish tempers. Gaye did not like to take orders from others. When someone told him he couldn’t do something, he would make sure he accomplished it. He was self-centered, and jealous of other artists.
Commentary: I deleted the beginning of the first sentence because it was very vague. I added “Gaye believed in astrology” because it shows his views on things.
Sunday, April 1, 1984, Gaye was staying with his mother and father at the house he’d purchase for them in Los Angeles. Both he and his father were both under the influence of chemicals. Marvin was high on cocaine and his father was drunk from vodka. Gay Sr. became angry because he could not find the insurance letter he’d been searching for hours. He yelled upstairs to his wife. Gaye shouted back to his father saying if he had something to say, he’d better say it in person. When upstairs, he scolded his wife. Gaye told him to leave and his father did not. Therefore, Gaye shoved him into the hallway. Mrs. Alberta separated them. Minutes later, Gaye would be staring down a .38 caliber revolver he’d given his father for paranoia of being killed by a stalker. Gay Sr. ironically shot him in the heart. Knowing his heart was the cause of all his pain and a place that could never be healed. Gay Sr. walked at point-blank range and shot again.
Commentary: The sentence was added to show the reader the specifics of how the murder occurred.
It is ironic of how he was murdered on a Sunday. In the Christian religion, Sunday is the day that a person rests and Gaye truly can rest now with his divided soul of Apollo and Dionysus being freed. Gaye’s sister, Jeanne, did not see the act as a coincidence. She said he accomplished three things: putting himself out of misery, bringing relief to his mother by getting his father out of her life, and making certain that the rest of his father’s life would be miserable. Later, Gaye’s brother Frankie would write in his memoir that Gaye’s last statement was “I got what I wanted…I couldn’t do it myself, so I made him do it.” Though only forty-four when he died, in twenty-two years, he’d recorded twenty-six albums and enjoyed over forty hits while being popular overseas as well. Everyone from Mary J. Blige, Big Sean, Meghan Trainor, and many others have sung songs that mentioned Gaye. He changed the way that people view true blues, duets, pop, and r&b music.
In Gaye’s 1971 song “What’s Going On”, he stated “for only love can conquer hate”. There was not a chance for him and his father to love because they were both broken-hearted. By telling the truth we can avoid a lot of pain. For Gay Sr., his truth would be acknowledging his problems and not hiding behind his church title, which would have saved Marvin Gaye from his horrible childhood that haunted him his entire life. For Marvin Gaye, his truth would be to accept who he was and not deceive others into thinking he had everything together and not trying to deceive his women into leaving him. Analyzing the life of Marvin Gaye, we can see that we should not deceive, for that deception leads to people getting hurt physically and emotionally.
Commentary: I added an extensive conclusion due to the original being weak. This conclusion expands on why people should not deceive and builds on his lyrics in his own words. In the end, it exposes a life lesson as well.
Commentary: I revised every article due to quoting too much from the text. Therefore, I summarized each article, making the speaker more noticeable, and I expanded on my Introduction, making it more personal.
“Liar, Liar, pants on fire.” We have all heard this phrase before, but most only as a result for telling a “white lie”, which is a harmless form to deceive. However, pure deception originates from this “white lie”. The ten articles below capture this deception which has been a pattern for many years for the deceiver. Many people deceive for attention; others deceive because that’s all they know. Most deceive because they desire to become someone they can never be. Selfishly, they hurt others for their own happiness. In knowing this, we must understand why they chose to deceive in order to prevent future deception and even help the deceivers forget their past.
Since I was about four years old, I could tell if someone was lying. I could “read” them. However, I have never ran across a compulsive liar. Deception always intrigued me. I would watch soap operas with my grandmother or even crime shows such as the “First 48”. On these shows, people were deceived or deceived others to get away with murder or murder someone close to them. Some criminals are not intelligent, but most are. Some will deceive in terms of not killing someone. Others won’t. Through deception, criminals’ minds are discovered and sometimes they are not understood. I understand most people think that if something does not occur where they reside, then it is unimportant. However, these ten articles are to show us, that if someone can deceive easily in any part of the world, they could deceive where we reside as well.
Alexis Okeowo, The New Yorker, 5.23.2016
Example of Pre-Revision:
It was a slightly out-of-body experience, watching the recent television series “The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story.” Part déjà vu, part lurid fascination and horror, it reminded me of watching “Anita,” the 2013 documentary on the law professor Anita Hill’s life during and after her testimony against the Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas in his confirmation hearings. I was a child when Simpson was found not guilty, in 1995, but I remember people I knew celebrating, people who believed that a black man’s triumph against a corrupt and racist justice system was overdue. Even though many of these same people acknowledged that Simpson probably did it, his release was seen as a necessary sacrifice. As an adult, watching “The People v. O. J. Simpson” was enraging. The judgment seemed like a betrayal of women’s bodies and women’s voices. Watching “Anita” was even more maddening: the proceedings were a betrayal not just of women but of a particular kind of black woman who had to navigate the landmines of both gender and race.
Example of Post-Revision:
Okeowo viewed the recent television series “The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story” as a slight out-of-body experience by reminding her of Anita Hill. Okeowo had watched “Anita,” the 2013 documentary on the law professor Anita Hill’s life during and after her testimony against the Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas in his confirmation hearings. Though only a child when Simpson was found not guilty, in 1995, Okeowo remembered people she knew celebrating, people who “believed that a black man’s triumph against a corrupt and racist justice system was overdue”. However, people were divided with his innocence. Many of the people who rejoiced when Simpson wasn’t convicted, deemed the decision as a necessary sacrifice.