What If Trump Wins?
A satirical speculation on the end of our Republic
After the leaked tape of Donald Trump’s lewd conversations were released by the Washington Post last week, the road to the White House seems to have vanished before Mr. Trump’s own eyes. But, what if the polls are wrong? What if November 8th, 2016 surprises us with a Trump presidency? All of a sudden, a Kanye West presidency doesn’t sound too bad. What would happen? What would Overlord Trump do?
After the public humiliation of being asked to go on a McDonald’s run as Mr. Trump’s personal manservant, Chris Christie disappears. President Trump launches a full-scale manhunt to find Mr. Christie, enlisting the help of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Leads develop as New Jersey residents call in reports of hearing distant cries and sobbing from the upstate woods, where Mr. Christie is later found hiding out at an abandoned Krispy Kreme.
Kenny Chesney is nominated as Poet Laureate.
Ben Carson is selected as the Surgeon General, yet loses his luggage on his way to the White House. He is never seen again.
Frank Underwood is asked to take the mast as Secretary of State. After realizing that Mr. Trump is unaware of the difference between Kevin Spacey and his character on House of Cards, the studio encourages him to “take the role” as hidden cameras are planted throughout the White House. Mr. Spacey will go on to break the records of Emmy’s won in a single year.
Colonel Sanders is controversially awarded a distinguished Medal of Honor. KFC sees record-breaking quarter earnings, while several generals resign and escape to Chris Christie’s hideout in the abandoned Krispy Kreme.
Making America Great Again
GOP leaders cut a deal with the House and Senate to allow Paul Ryan to make executive decisions regarding policy while the president is distracted by “highly classified CIA missions”. For a few hours each day, the CIA hand President Trump two identical photos and ask him to find 5 differences.
Trump Steaks are subsidized throughout school lunch programs across the nation. A White House aide states she believes she heard Ivanka Trump say, “let them eat steak.” Childhood obesity becomes the highest margin of growth during the first year of the presidency.
Trump insists that he be brought on as an executive producer for The Bachelor. After introducing weapons, the show becomes the most successful reality show in TV history. Historians will later look back on this achievement as the genesis of our American Hunger Games.
Mount Rushmore is “renovated” after President Trump attends Hamilton. Donald Trump, Rocky, John Rambo, Ronald Reagan and Jesus Christ are the new faces of the national monument. No one has the heart to tell Mr. Trump Sylvester Stallone is up there twice.
Kim Kardashian takes former Justice Antonin Scalia’s position on the Supreme Court.
Taxes are almost immediately raised to fund the wall across the Mexican border because the federal budget failed to include Trump insignias that would be embroidered across the wall.
President Trump finally learns what a trade deficit means and states that he never said that Mexico would pay for the wall.
As funds run out and construction is halted, Mr. Trump converts the existing sections of the wall into a Great Wall themed casino resort. Young people gather each year, dressed as Mongolian invaders, to camp out a few miles out from the resort a la Burning Man.
Russian President, Vladimir Putin, viciously invades Crimea and encourages President Trump to annex Canada. Ted Nugent is called up to lead the offensive.
The U.N. Security Council takes a rushed recess after President Trump hinted that China should assassinate Kim Jong-un. (He really did that).
NATO is disbanded and Russia begins to annex the Baltic States. When asked if U.S. military would respond, Trump states, “we will defend Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania and Narnia at all costs.”