Do They Not Stroke It Like I Do?
The weather has started to give me hope again…
When it’s mild like this I think of all the times I have ever felt alive.
My arms around you. Your hand in my hair. The lingering feeling of anticipation. A shared look across a crowded room. That coy smile.
Whispered feelings. Leaving your house at 4am.
Realising I wasn’t in love with you anymore but tucking in next to you anyway.
Summer days, drunk off of you and some shitty vodka.
Rum smells like I’m about to call you. Brandy smells like you just left.
Do you care when I leave, do you dread it? Or have you been counting down the hours?
Have I ever been the one you wish popped up on your phone?
Do you spend time alone with just anyone? Do you sing for them like you did me? Do you realise how sexy you are when you dance?
Do you realise that I feel like I’m on fire every time I’m next to you? Even now we’re apart the pain from being burnt still lingers.
I wrote you stories, poems and monologues. I compared you to the sun, stars and the moon.
Because of you I understand now why there are so many love songs. Being heart broken by you once has led to thousands of words.
You changed me without permission and when I was eventually ready to give you permission you didn’t want it, too late I was already changed for the worst.
Were your tears real? Does what happened still haunt you? Do you think back on that moment where there was no one else in that party but us? Do you wish you could go back in time and change things?
There are still some songs which are too painful to listen to. The same ones I used to play on repeat.
You still cling to the nicknames we had for each other but when I hear them it feels like a noose around my neck and a punch in the chest.
I wish I were more surprised by how callous you have been. It seems like that year meant nothing to you but your actions shouted what your words wouldn’t confirm.
Why reach out to me now? When I have been so clear of my distress. Are you that self absorbed that you’d bother me for your own ego, when others are already stroking it? Do they not stroke it like I do?