Why I don’t Believe in Our Relationship

So my boy friend is stressed out about his life again. I’m getting used to it. I leave him alone with his troubles. He doesn’t need my help. I can’t offer to help, because I don’t know anything.

This is not the first time he distanced himself from me to finish what he had to. When he’s done with whatever important, he’ll come looking for me, at his convenience.

The logic is simple. Your girlfriend will probably still be there, because where else would she go. I mean you trust her and she loves you and shit so she should still be there when you’re done with your tons of work. She should be warm and forgiving and gentle and sweet and soft and spreading her legs to welcome your return. She’ll always be there. But your study and career won’t wait for you. It’s more urgent. It is always, always more important.

I can’t argue with that. I do think our study and career is more important. In fact, I agree with him, relationships are like a dessert, like if you have one, you’re lucky and it’s nice to have one, but you can definitely do without it. It’s not a necessity. Plus, if you don’t get something sweet now, you can always get one later. If this cake isn’t to your liking, you can always buy another one across the street. Set your priority straight, because that ice cream shall make you happy, but it’s not gonna make you full, and it’s definitely not healthy.

I just loathe our relationship. We’re like two elephants trying to hold chopsticks. We can’t. We struggle to be together and make time for each other and not to explode out of frustration when one’s gone without much excuse.

Every two or three months, I wonder about the sustainability of our relationship. I suppose there’s a saying somewhere that:

“If you can’t handle me at my worse, you definitely don’t deserve me at my best.”

And it’s kind of true and shit. It’s just that there’s that THIN line where you endure through the hardships because you firmly believe he’ll return to himself with greater passion and attention when he’s accomplished his checklist AND you’re so often unhappy in a relationship that it’s better just to get out of it.

Why should I wait?

Why don’t I just cheat on him? Why don’t I just go behind his back and go out with some fun interesting guy who would give me the attention and passion that I need now. I don’t care about later. When the new guy gets caught up in his work the same, I’ll look for another guy.

I feel like a housewife waiting for her husband to come home for dinner and then he’s got some meeting and now the chicken is cold and the table is empty and now you have to eat alone the meal you set out for two while crying like a little bitch so you stop eating and start putting the food into containers hoping he’ll be home at some point and maybe he’ll be hungry and there’ll still be food saved for him and then maybe you two can finally sit down and enjoy the leftovers. I don’t want to be that woman.

I suppose when you have a black bruise on your eye, or your phone blown up every 10 minutes as he calls to check on your whereabouts, you know you’re in a toxic relationship and should call the police and get the hell out of it. But there are other types of toxic relationship, may not cause to the same extent of damage, but surely harm your mental health, making you depressed and lonely and miserable and upset all the time. Get the hell out…

If we’re not meeting before I leave for Vietnam, which I think it’s very likely, we won’t be seeing each other for about two months. And I’ll meet my crush since high school again in Hanoi, so I wonder what’s holding me back from a little fun.

Nothing much.

He doesn’t care.

It’s not that he decides not to care. It just happens. He has a lot going on in his mind, that he can’t give a shit about who I’m banging. I understand.

It’s just getting so boring when this happens.

Just when I think, this is going well, we’re getting closer and closer. NOPE. FUCK YOU. And he ran away again.

I really deserve to be happy. This relationship is like a lame game that isn’t worth devoting to. It’s a convenient pretentious unserious relationship. And I’m giving up.