It’s just before dawn and I’m up.
It’s still dark outside and I’m in my bed, covered by a single blanket, a grey, fuzzy blanket. I love it, it keeps me warm at night and I don’t need anything else, even in the winter.
I look at the clock on my iPhone, and realize I have some messages from the night before. I went to bed early so whatever conversation I was having was there, unfinished. I smile, somehow, having messages waiting is a bit comforting, like people were still thinking about me even when I was already tucked up.
I look at the hour.
“It’s so damn early…”
I’m used to wake up early if I go to bed before midnight, for some reason my body thinks that I’m just taking a long nap, or something.
So I just lie there for a while and my mind starts racing. The night before was the closing ceremony for this year’s Olympics in Rio, and after that the presentation for Tokyo 2020, which I missed.
I really didn’t care about missing the closing ceremony, I watched a little bit while I was out having dinner with my mom, but the latter. That hurt. And even more since people on my Twitter feed, friends on Facebook, and a girl friend was telling me how amazing it was.
She sent me some links during the night, and now that I was up, I watched them while seating on my bed, like a kid when it’s sick with the blanket all over me. The only light in the room was the one coming from my phone.
I was delighted, I must have watched the presentation three times in a row. My excitement was palpable, blood was rushing to my face, a wide smile getting even wider, my legs couldn’t stop moving. Like opening a present on Christmas.
Then, my mind changed routes in an instant.
With still blood rushing through my body and my heart pounding fast, my train of thought took me to different places.
First I thought about the 4 years of waiting for the next Olympic games, and how I can get there because I don’t want to miss them. Then how my friend, the one mentioned above, is taking a trip to South America with several other friends.
I was invited but I declined, first time because of money.
“I have to finish paying my orthodontic treatment, sorry, I can’t.”
Second time, because I hadn’t saved any money.
“I’m currently paying the gym, plus a protein shake, a Playstation 4 and having other expenses. I haven’t saved any money, LOL.”
And finally, third time (the Universe put it in front of me, like a giant slap on the face) I had only to ask for permission. There was no other excuse.
‘So, did he say yes? :D’
“No. He said no at the end. :/”
To be honest, I didn’t need permission, I had already thought how I would have paid for it and she even suggested that she could give me a hand if the expenses got a bit difficult for me. I could just go and take the hit when I returned.
That was a sobering thought.
Then I started thinking about this whole year, my so called ‘Year of the Spark’.
I lie down on my bed again, still dark but less than before. A small hint that sunrise is not far away. I started thinking about all the goals I set out to achieve and how little I’ve done for them.
“The year is almost over, even with four months left.”
Somehow it feels like we are already with one foot in 2017 and I feel a pang of guilt. Suddenly, even with my blanket on, I get chills. My eyes fixed on the ceiling. I can sense the time passing.
I run mentally through all of them, and how I neglected working on them. I’ve done one thing here and there, but nothing substantial. I’m not close to reach any number of subscribers in YouTube, nor I write weekly on Medium. I haven’t finish my programming lessons so I can make that video game, and I’m not even remotely close enough to play Ace of Spades with my guitar.
Don’t know how to cook. Don’t have my driver’s license. Haven’t learned a new language. Haven’t found an apartment. And the list goes on.
Every single time, just like with the trip to South America, I chose defeat. I chose delay. I chose easy.
To fight ‘the important fight’ other day.
As it dawns on me, I feel heavier by the second. Like a rock sinking in the ocean. The room still dark; the day decided to wait a bit longer.
I look at my phone again.
“It’s just 5:30”
Time hasn’t passed as fast as I thought it had. As fast as I felt it had.
“Maybe there’s a chance to turns things around, there’s a lot of time left.”
Time is an interesting concept only we, humans, use. We fret about running out of time when it’s something we don’t have control of. We have control on our actions though.
We have all the time in the world. Until we don’t.
But we don’t know when that’s going to happen, so why bother thinking about it?
I get up the bed and start changing my clothes. I put on some shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt, a pair of running shoes and decided to workout. It’s raining outside, I can’t go out for a jog, so instead I open the Freeletics App and look for a workout I did a couple of times in the past. And, click!
It was hard.
By the end I was lying on the mat, not drenched but covered in sweat, unable to get up. Of course the fact that I hadn’t exercised in two and a half months had something to do with it, but also because I was inches away from my bed. It could have been so easy to just call it quits and say tomorrow.
But instead I JUST DID IT! as Shia Labeouf would say, or any Nike ad before him, but that video is just so good, isn’t it?
Then I took a shower, I meditated for ten minutes and stretched, a lot. And as I looked to see the hour again, I was surprised how little time had passed.
“What the hell?”
It’s been only an hour since I checked the phone.
I did all those things in an hour, probably less than that.
“I have time.”
I can finish my projects, or at least get my close, if I just do it, not think about it. Just do it.
It was then that I realized.
“I can start again.”
And then a meteorite fell from the sky and hit me in the head. I asked why, it just shrugged, and moved on.