How To Talk To The Newly Graduated Person In Your Life

Chaz Webb
Chaz Webb
Sep 5, 2018 · 7 min read

So you know someone who’s recently graduated and that’s very exciting! But talking to them can become tricky. Here’s some tips on what (not) to say to your Graduate.

You want to know what’s going on in your Graduate’s life, that’s understandable. You care about them and want to support them on the next leg of their journey. Yet every time you ask they get frustrated or don’t give you much information. Where are you going wrong?

If your Graduate has a job/internship:

How thrilling! Your Graduate has managed to bag themselves a great opportunity! They probably want to tell you all about it. Feel free to ask questions such as “when do you start?”, “what are you most looking forward to?”, “will you be working with many other people?”. If they’ve already started you can even ask things like “is everybody friendly?”, “are you enjoying the environment so far?”, “what’s been the most challenging thing you’ve faced?”. These sorts of questions allow your Graduate to really open up about the position and this new stage of their life. You’re likely to get lots of information and they will probably tell you some fun stories which will allow the conversation to progress naturally.

Things to be wary of: Asking Graduates who haven’t started their job yet for lots of details, it’s likely they won’t know and this could scare them or make them feel unprepared. Asking questions about career progression — your Graduate has only just started in this role, they will want to find their feet before they start trying to move up the ladder. Asking questions such as “how long do you think you’ll be at this job” or “is this what you want to do forever?”. Don’t wish your graduate’s life away for them. Maybe this is just temporary, or maybe they’ve got really lucky and bagged their dream permanent job. Either way, they’ve only just begun and should be allowed to enjoy their first time in the world of adult work before they’re forced to think longer-term. Turning the conversation into an interrogation — questions are fine but 100 of them all in one go is a lot, try to stagger your questions over a few conversations, or prioritise what you really want to know.

If your Graduate has a job you don’t understand/think is a ‘real’ job:

In this modern world there are a lot of jobs that don’t necessarily sound like jobs, or don’t operate on a 9–5 basis. Whether your graduate has a job in theatre which means they work mostly evenings, or their job title is “blogger” it can be confusing to work out what’s really happening, especially if they seem to be able to do their entire job from their phone. If your Graduate is in this position they probably know that their job doesn’t make sense to everyone. Guess what? So long as you ask sensibly, they’ll probably be willing to talk you through it. Questions like “is there a way I can see what you’re working on?” and “how does your job change day to day?” let them know you’re genuinely interested and want to engage with them. “Can you talk me through it?” is a lovely way to ask them to explain what their job entails because it shows that whilst you may not get it, you want to know what’s going on in their life.

Things to be wary of: don’t use phrases like “what do you actually do” and “real job”. These make your Graduate think you’re looking down on what they’re doing and so they won’t want to tell you anything about their job. Asking if their job is a hobby is a big no. It may not be a long-term form of income/employment but now it is their job, so treat it as such.

If your Graduate is taking a gap year:

Yes, typically gap years tend to happen before university, however it’s becoming more common for people to take them afterwards instead. University is a very intense time and if your Graduate went directly from sixth form to university then they’ve spent a minimum of 17 consecutive years in full time education. Your Graduate has made the very sensible decision that they want to take a year out and do some exploring, of themselves and maybe the world. You can ask them things such as “do you have any travel plans?”, “what’s the first non-uni book you want to read?”. Go all out on holiday suggestions, offering to lend them films and books, links to that dance class they mentioned they were interested in. You can even ask if there’s anything they’d like to do together! Maybe your Graduate would like to go on a walk with you or to the cinema. You can catch up on all their university experiences you missed or discuss whether the new coffee shop in town is going to last very long.

Things to be wary of: Don’t ask your Graduate what they plan to do after this year. They’ve specifically taken a year out and they should be allowed to enjoy it. They might be using this year to apply for things or gain some experience but if they’re not it doesn’t mean they are lazy or wasting their time. Don’t use the word “useful” when asking what they’re doing with themselves. You may not be able to understand why spending 4 weeks in Spain will help your Graduate but even if their only reasoning is wanting a holiday that’s fine. Not everything your Graduate does has to lead towards employment. This should be a year of freedom and excitement, without worrying about deadlines or exams.

If your Graduate doesn’t have firm plans:

So your Graduate doesn’t have a job but isn’t taking a year out and they’re not applying for more education. This can be very tricky territory. Obviously you want to know what’s going on in your Graduate’s life, but for them this unsurety can be absolutely terrifying. If you are talking to a Graduate in this category, tread carefully. Ask them about more neutral things, like their graduation or their summer. Ask them how they’re feeling, but be prepared for them not to be so chipper, this transition period is hard. If they bring up jobs they’ve applied for you can ask things such as where they heard about it and what they’re excited about for that specific position. This allows you to work out what sort of jobs they’re applying for and why, and reassures you that they are looking.

Things to be wary of: Asking your Graduate for every single detail of every single job they apply for. At this point your Graduate is probably applying for quite a few jobs and to have to give an in-depth description of every single one is going to be tiring. Constantly asking your Graduate if they’ve heard back about a job — believe me, when your Graduate gets something they will tell you. They’ll probably tell everyone. Asking your Graduate on a regular basis if they’ve applied for anything else. Your Graduate is unlikely to be resting on their laurels when it comes to finding a job, they do want one, so don’t keep asking or you may make them feel that you don’t believe they’re capable of finding or applying for jobs. A lot of jobs hire seasonally too, so it can be quite likely that your Graduate won’t find a job before the next season starts. Theatre jobs in particular have their teams sorted for Christmas by the start of September, so just because your Graduate hasn’t got something yet doesn’t mean they won’t, and pushing them to apply for things just because they are available doesn’t help.

General Things To Remember

Graduation is a scary and difficult time even for Graduates who seem to have their plans sorted. The transition is stressful and tiring. Your Graduate is probably also missing their friends, who have separated off to different ends of the country and for the first time there’s no guarantee of when they’ll next see each other. They might be missing a partner who’s now long distance. They’re either adapting to a new schedule or trying to work out how to cope with no schedule at all, both bring their own challenges. If your Graduate is still living away from home they might be stressed about affording the rent and not knowing people. If your Graduate has moved home they may be feeling a bit confined or at a loss. If your Graduate doesn’t have a plan yet they are probably feeling frustrated and upset. Applying for jobs and being rejected from them is a horrible process and they’re facing it regularly.

Most of all, your Graduate knows you care about them. They know that you’re interested and that’s why you’re asking so many questions, but when they’re faced with those questions from seemingly everyone they meet it can all become a bit overwhelming. At the end of the day, maybe the best thing to do is bring them a cup of tea and rather than say something, just listen.

Chaz Webb

Written by

Chaz Webb

23 year old drama graduate blindly feeling my way through the world

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