The Bastardization of Feminism: ‘It Was Never a Dress’

If we’re going to be honest, I generally don’t get that fired up about feminist stuff. For me, it all falls into the same bucket as wanting campaign finance reform and all drugs to be legalized. I’m aware of the injustices. I hope we fix them. But like, I wake up at 5 AM for work and have to hit up Target at least a few times a week, so I barely have the energy to get a haircut let alone read things and verbalize emotions on them.

Then one crisp Saturday morning I happened upon this shimmering pile of hot garbage.

First of all, let’s address that this meme was created by a project management software company, which means 99.9% of the world doesn’t need them and couldn’t give less of a fuck about what they are. So they had to get creative. Nice try, but what the fuck.

This type of mindless pandering makes me think of a guy whose wife is yelling at him for not appreciating her, and grasping at straws, he responds with, “Uhh, well… you… you do it all! Just all that stuff you do… when you do it! It’s all great! You’re like a superhero, honey!” It’s the least thought out, nondescript compliment ever. And where is this parallel even coming from? Superheroes get their powers from freak accidents or laboratory experiments or they’re some kind of alien. I don’t know about you, ladies, but I’m pretty sure I earned most of my power from surviving middle school, a handful of nightmare bosses, and having a car accident in my pants every month. For once, I wish a guy would be specific and compliment me on making it through my period without getting fired or arrested.

Right now some defensive bro is thinking, “Derrrr, but all it means is women can do it all and, you know, they run the world or whatever Beyonce said!” Do it all? Like go to work? Bathe? Eat and digest food? Are you doing something else that I’m not aware of? Was there some box I forgot to check that would’ve let me do nothing?! I will forgo all of this praise to do nothing forever! I have no desire to run myself ragged, doing it all day in and day out. Equality, bitch! Stop talking with amazement about how much we’re capable of and do something for me. I just worked 12 hours and then had to go walk around Target for 2 hours, so how about you feed me dinner while I lay in bed.

Finally, saying “it was never a dress” is like saying the civil rights movement never happened. Saying that a hundred years ago, or whenever those bathroom sign stick figures were created, the woman figure was intentionally made to look like she was wearing a cape, is like saying there was no need for a feminist movement to begin with. Yep, all along you dumb broads were just assuming it’s a dress but actually us guys have always known it was a superhero cape! What have you lil’ gals even been fighting for all these years? Who can remember! Let’s just sweep it all under the rug and never talk about it again.

I don’t claim to speak for all women and I wouldn’t want to because I am way too lazy. So if it helps you ladies to imagine yourselves as superheroes, then you do you, boo. No hate here. Just take a break and make a guy brush your teeth or do your laundry sometimes.