Chester Cheeto and the Half-Assed Picks
Over the next few weeks, the Senate will be holding confirmation hearings for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s cabinet nominees. So far the hearings for Jeff Sessions (Attorney General Nominee) and Rex Tillerson (Sec. of State Nominee) have been riddled with snappy arguments and frustrating untruths, while the confirmation hearing for Gen. James Mattis (Sec. of Defense Nominee) has been nothing short of bizarre. As I have watched this process unfold, I have observed how much like some of my least favorite book characters these guys are.
So Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… The Death Eaters!
General John Mattis aka Fenrir Greyback
For those of you who have read Harry Potter, you will know that Fenrir Greyback is a werewolf who often remains half transformed (somewhere between man and his full moon werewolf form) because he enjoys biting, and occasionally killing and eating, humans. I know many people who would find my association of Greyback with John Mattis to be unfair and maybe even disrespectful, after all Mattis is a General, and Greyback was a death eater / all around evil guy who got a kick out of killing people for sport. To this, I give you a 2005 quote put forth my General Mattis in regards to his work in Afghanistan: “It’s quite fun to shoot them, you know. It’s a hell of a hoot. It’s fun to shoot some people.”
Now while I don’t believe for a moment that Mr. Mattis wasn’t shooting people who weren’t a danger to others, including Americans, I do believe that there is just something a little unsettling about admitting that you enjoy murdering another human being… Something a little Greyback-like
Senator Jefferson Sessions aka Severus Snape
Are you ready for this? I’m about to piss off two VERY different groups of people in one fell swoop!
Fans of the Potter books and films have often romanticized Professor Snape’s character because he was in love with Harry’s mother. Somehow the fact that he loved Lily excuses the fact that he was an absolute cunt to Harry Potter for the better part of 7 years. On top of all of this, he was also at one point a Death Eater, and continued to pretend to be one after Lily’s death. Sure, he turned spy for Dumbledore, but he still allowed a number of people to be tortured and killed (sometimes in front of him) and participated in the harm of many of those who tried to protect Harry, who he seemed to forget was his beloved Lily’s son… plus I’m pretty sure George Weasley would have prefered to keep his ear.
Similarly, the GOP would like you to believe that Sessions, who grew up and made his bones in the Jim Crow south saw the error of his racist ways and turned into a Civil Rights hero because he managed to prosecute a former KKK leader and secure the death penalty for him. I hate to break it to everyone, but doing one good thing, even if that good thing is helping to bring about the end of a malevolent, dark, and evil leader (be it of the Klan or of the Dark Arts) doesn’t freaking make you a hero. At best it makes you a dick and perhaps an opportunist, and a slimy one at that!
Mr. Rex Tillerson aka Lucius Malfoy
Well connected, once devilishly handsome, and dripping in a sinister aura… who am I talking about? BOTH! Rex Tillerson was actually the 2nd member of the Trumpsterage that struck me as uncannily like a particular Death Eater. He had dozens of business connections, he was filthy rich, but something about him was just… off. Perhaps it was that he seemed to have a Lucius malfoy level of overconfidence? Perhaps it was the fact that, like Malfoy Sr.’s peculiar connections with known members of the Dark Arts community, Tillerson also seems to have friends in unfriendly places… *cough* his besties with Putin *cough*.
But perhaps my favorite parallel was demonstrated during yesterday’s hearing… Like Lucius Malfoy, Rex Tillerson seems to be pretty prone to fucking up! In a confirmation grilling, during which Tillerson’s performance was rocky at best, the possible Sec. of State seemed to buckle under pressure put on him from members of the GOP! Lucius couldn’t handle many of the Dark Lord’s tasks, and after his performance yesterday it is possible that Rex Tillerson may be cruising on the same boat.
Dr. Ben Carson aka Wormtail
Wormtail, my sweet, pathetic, little Wormtail. So desperate to be included that he will do anything just to have a seat at the table. The traitor turned Death Eater is famously spineless and made to look rather foolish. I’m not saying Dr. Carson’s an idiot, but I am saying that the man doesn’t seem to mind doing things he KNOWS he’s not qualified for just to be a part of the gang… which seems pretty dangerous to me.
As many Potterheads know Wormtail’s inability to have a spine is part of what ultimately get’s him killed, and I am of the opinion that Dr. Carson’s agreement to managing the Department of Housing and Urban Development (which I feel is spineless) could be the death of his career as a politician. My advice to them both, you aren’t cut out for the dark arts, go back to your respected places of origin. You’re safe in the Hospital ben, and Wormtail, if Dumbledore can forgive Snape’s ass, you might have a decent shot… or you’ll wind up in Azkaban, buuuut I mean… if not you die anyway sooo :)
Kellyanne Conway aka Bellatrix Lestrange
I hate this bitch…. I’m sorry, I should probably try to show a little restraint. I meant, I HATE this woman. I’m not really miffed about which one you think I am talking about, I hate them both with a passion that I am sure will carry me into the final days of my life. Why? Because of Sirius Black (who I love deeply as a character and who I find a kindred spirit in) and Barack Obama (who I deeply admire and aspire to be like)… but more on that later.
Before anyone says anything, I KNOW that Kellyanne isn’t actually a cabinet member, rather she is the senior advisor to Mr. Cheeto. But come on? You can’t see the uncanny similarities between these two? Sinister smile, undying loyalty to a man who says and does horrible things, a willingness to destroy anyone who steps in that man’s way (even if they are undeserving). The entire reason I am writing this whole thing is because EVERY SINGLE TIME Kellyanne Conway is on TV, somewhere in the back of my mind I hear Bellatrix Lestrange mocking Harry Potter about how she killed Sirius Black. The Voice is amplified when Kellyanne talks about the current President Obama.
Today, after it was announced that the repeal of Obamacare has begun Kellyanne told the world that this was a good thing, she sang it’s praises… unfortunately I couldn’t hear her, because all my brain registered was “I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK, I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK!”. It is infuriating, but not as much as the way in which she speaks about Voldemort, or Trump, whichever (they are basically interchangeable to me at this point). Ms. Conway looks at him with admiration and affection, as Bellatrix did her Lord… Mr. Cheeto brags about sexual assault she scolds the media for calling him a monster, Harry Potter isn’t afraid to say “Voldemort” Bellatrix chastises him for his lack of respect… #YouDARESpeakHisName.
I am sure somewhere in their souls, both women have redeeming qualities…. Or maybe they don’t, but either way they each remind me of the other.
There are many more Death Eaters, I know, and President Elect Chester Cheeto does have a bigger cabinet and advising team than just these individuals (see, decorum… I didn’t call them buffoons), but after the week I’ve had, I needed a laugh!
Hope I helped you crack a smile :)