We’re Not Meant to Work Alone

I am most definitely an introvert. And I often need alone time to recharge myself, and my feelings and energy. I even so far as half-joke about how I hate people pretty often. But if I’m being completely honest here, I don’t know what I would do without any one of the incredible people in my life.

Humans aren’t made to be alone for too long, its just not in our nature. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell where my personality begins and my various struggles with mental illness stop. It seems like someone I know is always going through some manner of a really tough time, and people naturally look to someone they love, or someone who has expressed love for them, to help. I’ve looked to several people for help, that have both directly and indirectly expressed that they care about my well-being. I still come to these people often when I’m in a bad place, but often still for the comfort they can provide with just their company.

I’ve always felt the need to please, to seem happy, help others with problems and make sure they were happy and to often completely disregard my own state of well-being. As I grow older I continue to see that I don’t always have to be the strong one, and that relationships of all kinds are best when both parties support the other. I have wonderful friends, and they especially I can laugh with hysterically for hours and everything is alright. But often when I’m alone or its dark I’ll feel the little monster of my issues with depression and such come to fruition. That’s when I make stupid decisions. That’s when I need friends, and loved ones and people to be there.

Even now, I still have a hard time talking about how I feel. I have a hard time not just lying and saying “Oh yes, I’m fine,” when loved ones ask. I still struggle to find words to describe how I feel. I still struggle to find ways to ask for their help and their opinions.

“But I’ve come a long way, even if there’s still so much father to go.”

There’s a long road ahead for all of us, filled with many major -and minor…or maybe just, less major- challenges, but with all that we’re learning, we’re also growing, and changing, and becoming the people we were always meant to be. Relationships are hard. It doesn’t matter with who, they’ll all have their challenges.

“As I’m learning I realize though, this was really never meant to be easy.”

As I sit here, I can see them all. Everyone I care about, smiling broadly, their images flashing like a child flicking through old photographs behind my eyelids.

I’ve been learning about lot’s of things lately, but the one thing I’ve learned about myself recently, is that I love smiles. I absolutely revel in the beautiful smiles of everyone I love. I can see them, and this is the one and only thing I have ever known to pierce the depression that I often wear like armour. I love to bring those smiles to their faces, and I need them to stay there. I need those smiles and their raw, try and happy laughter like I need air to breathe. Odd as it may seem, its like life to me. The world needs more happy people, and I’m still working fiercely to become one. But as I try so hard to get there, I choose to surround myself with people who are reminders of exactly what I’m working for, and who can help me get there.

Thank you so so much, to anyone whose stayed up to all hours helping me to calm down. To anyone whose given me freedom to speak without judgment or criticism. To anyone who handles me in both good and bad places. To all who can’t find words, or who simply just care enough to wrap your arms around me and squeeze me tight enough to hold me together. Thank you. Thank you beyond all words.

You and I,
We’re like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky.
With you, I’m alive
Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide.

So stop time right here in the moonlight,
Cause I don’t ever wanna close my eyes.

Without you, I feel broke.
Like I’m half of a whole.
Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold.
Without you, I feel torn.
Like a sail in a storm.
Without you, I’m just a sad song.
I’m just a sad song.

With you I fall.
It’s like I’m leaving all my past in silhouettes up on the wall.
With you I’m a beautiful mess.
It’s like we’re standing hand in hand with all our fears up on the edge

-We the Kings (Sad-Song)

I’m a young writer, still trying to figure things out (As if that weren't painfully obvious) but hey, I’m trying. And I know it’s a little scatter brained, but I’m just trying to get what I’m learning about life down so I don’t forget any of it. Who knows? May as well give things a shot.