Redefining “Beauty”

Every human being wants to look good when he or she is naked. The desire and reason can be different. I worship my human body as my home. Throughout my college life, I wonder what it makes a person beautiful. Living in different societies makes me confused about what the beauty standard is. It sounds shallow, I know. People will tell me omg u need to be confident about your appearance. Hey, women are just women. I want to be sexy as hell on the bed and treated me like a queen by the guy who hooks up with me. I OWN the bedroom and I control this s*it. Simply because I am gorgeous..duhhh and it enhances to think more about what will make me “beautiful” when I am naked.

While I am living in the states, people glamorize big boobs and butts. I, too, secretly wish I have Dcup size, small waist and gigantic butt. I will not go out to bars without putting on my push-up bra. I envied black and Hispanic women for having curves. As a little Asian girl, I had an identity crisis of being beautiful in the campus which consisted of majority NY inner city girls and upstate NY country girls. I was completely fine with having chinese looks or brunette as it made me more natural. But, I just wish I were more curvy and bulky. Also, college men in my campus consider that having a foreign exotic look made me more different and I have had people asking me where I was actually from. In this way, I did not feel weird about my Asian facial appearance.

In summer 2013, I traveled to Europe for a fellowship and stayed there for 6 or 7 weeks. I was in Switzerland and Portugal. My roommate was a tall Swedish girl with blonde hair and good curves. I realized that they were not crazy about big butt and boobs as much as Americans are. They chill with no-pad bras and boat shoes. They looked more comfortable with less make-up, but more tanned skin and blue eyes. I started to wonder if I had been too Americanized. When I got back to New York, I bought a few lace no-lining-bra and felt it. Now, I got out of the cage of push-up bra.
With my secret wish, when I came back to Yangon, I worked my as* off to get a big butt. I did so many squats and tried to get a small waist to shape my body. For some reasons, I went to a boxing class. I am an aggressive and energetic person. Not only when I practice boxing but also when I look others practicing makes me feel excited about fights. I even mentioned to my friends that if I were a boy, I want to be a MMA fighter. However, I limited my dream since kickboxing makes my butt less perky and I traded my butt-dream with MMA-dream. I talked with Burmese women and I felt very surprised to realize that they just want a skinny body with big boobs. One of the things that might relate is that guys consider girls with curves want sex and have many sexual partners. In this case, I, as a feminist, feel very hilarious to hear that statement. However, every woman and man can have his or her own preference for body goal and I do not have problem with it.

I struggled a lot with squats since I felt frustrated I need to improve every time I go to the gym. I need to increase reps or weight to enhance perkiness and I am not strong enough to be able to do so. I was lost a bit in the middle of the process and I talked with a bunch of gym rats about my issue. I started to take pre-workout which will make me hype and feel like a horse in the gym(later, I found that its more of psychological tricks). People had asked me omg u can work out very intense. But, I know myself that I deserve to feel stronger. Though I look like I have muscle, I am not a level of strength I have desired yet. Then, I met with this one guy who is a fitness professional and looked like he knows what he is doing ( sorry I do judge people but on skills). He basically told me that strength is what makes beauty. I need to stop thinking about aesthetic purpose of bodybuilding and focus more on my strength. I need to stop feeling obsessed for big butts of fitness stars in instagram simply because some of them have fake butt or airbrush pictures. Improving my strength is more important than enhancing my butt’s size. I need to stop worrying so much about what I look and emphasize on what I feel. Being beautiful is feeling stronger than ever. I do accept it. I may not have gigantic a*s but I have strong legs. I, now, feel more confident about my workout program and actually thinking about my MMA dream. My goal might be far away and the result might be slow. But, most importantly, feeling strong leads to sexiness. I am the goddess on the bed already when I feel strong. My wish for a big butt will come along with my strength. I have faith in it. I love my body not because it looks strong but because it is actually strong. Indeed, its functional parts help me survive through.
May y’all feel beautiful and strong!!!

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