On Consent

On Consent.

Peyton is four she can name and identify her cervix, uterus, vagina, and even the fundus. Not because I have some incredible budding genius that will land me a spot on The Ellen Show but because this is her body, I want her to name it, love it, and most of all own it.

In our house the rule is really simple. Peyton owns her body, just like I own my body. We ask before we touch. We know we have the right to refuse a hug, or a kiss, or a pat on our head. We know that our body doesn’t just include the parts covered by our clothes but extends to our hair and even our toes (so please don’t tickle without our permission and when we say stop we mean it)

I’m teaching my four-year-old about consent, about her right to have ownership over her own body. If that isn’t persuasive enough for you, let’s consider some very real and very recent events.

Hugs are great, but please ask first.

Peyton and I had just finished grocery shopping and were at the checkout counter when a customer in the other line asked for a hug. Peyton said “no”, the woman said “how about a kiss on the cheek”. Peyton said “no I don’t want you to kiss or touch me” when she said that everyone’s ears in the supermarket perked up. Here was a little girl rightfully telling someone that she didn’t want her to touch or kiss her and there were a number of people who heard her. If for some reason I didn’t see this taking place they were there to step in and intervene. If I spent my time forcing Peyton to kiss and hug people on command maybe she would have fell silent and felt obligated to let this “well-meaning stranger” kiss and hug her.

We have to allow our children to understand completely that they have ownership over their body and that people whether they’re adults, teachers, or family members don’t maintain a special exemption as people who get to touch you wherever and whenever.

You don’t have consent until someone tell you yes. And when they tell you no, that consent is withdrawn. Even at four, even with aunts, even when it’s “just their hair”, even when it’s tickling.

Last week, I read first a brave and powerful statement from a rape victim and then I read a letter from the father of the rapist. Both left me angry, scared, sad, and disgusted. Here was a dad who failed at teaching his son what consent was. Here is a dad who would excuse the actions of his son who is a rapist. Here is a dad who doesn’t understand what consent is himself. Here is a woman whose life will never be the same because a rapist decided to ignore consent and to rape her.

When I teach my daughter about consent it’s so she knows that she and everyone she meets has ownership over their body. She should ask before she assumes someone wants a hug, she should stop if they no longer want a hug. She shouldn’t touch people without their permission and they shouldn’t touch her without hers.

Our rules for consent

• No Means No — For her, for me, for those we interact with.
• We stop a hug or a kiss when we are asked — We may want one and then not want another and that’s okay.
• Even grandparents don’t get to force hug or kiss — Parents, teachers, friends included.
• We can change our minds- I liked tickling but now I don’t so stop please. I wanted you in the bathroom now I don’t. I wanted cuddle but now I don’t.
• Ownership over every body part- If you wouldn’t touch my vagina without asking, don’t touch my hair without asking.

Consent — Noun: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. Verb: give permission for something to happen.