The Vulgar Girl

I was recently called vulgar on account of my propensity to cuss. It had me thinking about ‘types’ of people. I guess I forgot I could be considered, by some groups, to be the vulgar girl. Here’s why.

When I was in middle school I heard cussing from peers. It’s no surprise I picked it up- at that point in my life I was attracted to anything with even the faintest hints of destruction. One of my friends, Jordan, seemed hard and intimidating, and cussed like a sailor. We walked the 1.75 mile distance home from school together. So, for a while, I aimed to appease her, and it wasn’t long before foul things came out of my mouth.

I was angry. I still am, to be completely honest. Cussing served as the perfect daily outlet to release some of that frustration. It was also one of the few things my mother didn’t get bent out of shape about. Her policy went as followed: though it’s not nice to say the f-word, the n-word is way, way worse.

(One of the remote notes of idealism that came from my mother.)

Anyway, if you installed Timehop for my Facebook you’d see a trend. I have quite a few cuss-filled off-color posts. I’m not proud of them, it’s just the way I communicated my feelings. I never saw words as being so much of an issue.

Here’s the contradiction:

I have, for the majority of my life, been dedicated to the English language. Though I’m way better as a writer than I’ve ever been a speaker, it’s pretty safe to say that I have a way with words. I know first hand their power. I know how to manipulate the English language, to employ finesse in my diction, syntax, and punctuation to achieve a target. I know words aren’t innocent. I know all about connotation/denotation. I’ve made a living on the empowerment of words.

Furthermore, I am a church girl. Yes, the Vulgar Girl, is in regular attendance at church every Sunday. And while some people either CUSS or DON’T CUSS on account of parental input, neither of my parents made it a point to solidify my relationship with Christ. (It’s awkward to say that I’ve come to God on my own, when it is really he that enables us to do so, but let’s just say that it wasn’t on account of any family member.)

Nonetheless, I know the pastor has said on occasion to watch words. We need to speak words of Life instead of words of Death/Destruction. I know swearing, cussing, taking the Lord’s name in vain is 100% wrong. Bad habits die hard. No, that’s not an excuse- it’s a fact. When it comes to cussing, I am in fact, vulgar. I like to justify it by saying that I am in control- that I can adjust my language to comply with the setting- but it is 100% wrong no matter how you spin it.

But there is more to vulgarity than just bad language. For example, there is sexual vulgarity too. I know I’ve been guilty of it- saying things (and even doing) that are sexually explicit. I’ve been better in recent years (though not perfect) since I committed myself to the Christian policy of waiting until marriage for sex. I know. (Pause for shocker)!!! Who does that these days?!

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am- by no means- The Innocent Girl. I lived a very, very secular life before finally coming to terms with my demons and repenting for the error of my ways. But I think it would be unfair, and a stretch, to say I’m The Vulgar Girl. Yes, I may be sexy. Yes, I may allow that destructive, angry streak in me to sometimes have more freedom than it should. But I have a long, long list of strong morals, boundaries, and standards. Spiritually, I’m pure.