Fundamental Progression — Understanding the act of pushing the snowball
I’m working again on the idea of the personal brand. It is a bit of a jump from where the thought began, but its close. The question of a personal brand, the first one anyways, is really to ask who you are. You can’t quite create a personal brand without first having an identity.
I think this is where it began, again. The loss of my identity, if only for a few days. You see, the short story of my life can currently be summed up to the idea that I’ve been doing all this time, what I was taught. While I’ve made my own choices, individually, the options I had were placed in front of me.
It’s the illusion of choice. I don’t want to bore you or sadden you with the exaggerated talk of how much I never wanted to get married and have kids “but here I am..”, even though that it would be accurate, but what I do want to do is say that I can see how it’s normal to be moving along one path, and how sometimes you might just discover that you’re parallel to where you want to be.
I knew that I didn’t want commitment, marriage, kids, a house, all this cookie cutter crap that everyone was living, but I didn’t know that I wanted to live in a forest either. So, I just fought my life until it won. I’ve got the wife and house and kid now, and I don’t regret having them, but I regret that I can’t experience the things I feel are beside me, without having to lose what I’ve got.
But a few days ago, the thoughts were not as elegant as how I just described them all. I was upset, distraught, and felt lost or cheated. These are the times that I act out, then reflect. I know my pattern, which takes about three days, and how the outcome it always some introspective discovery.
Even though that I become a better version of my mental self after these little bouts of madness, they sometimes are less about me than I think, and more about the future me. This time, it was all about future me. I know looking back that I was again, divided, because the present me was looking back at past me, and worrying about future me.
And what will I do, now that I know that future me is not set up properly? Well, I set him up is what I do! At this point, it’s just the mindless game of sitting here wondering what I’m going to do with myself, and how there must be something I can work on, some giant plan, that will give me the thing I need to make up for the stuff I feel like I’ve lost. The truth though is that there is no one thing. I’ve already learned in his world that everything is relative.
It doesn’t matter what I’m doing now, because later I’ll be doing something else. That’s about as complicated as it needs to be, to understand that you’ll always be where you are, not where you want to be. So again, here I am trying to figure out what I’m going to do with myself, and in this very specific moment, I’m turning to a philosophical thought that I’ve had in the past about perspectives and relativity, and using it to calm how I’m feeling. I could imagine that suddenly I might believe that these philosophical discussions that I have with myself, which represent my thoughts of the world, which are helping me feel better right now, are the purpose that I’m looking for.
It’s a little bit of an obvious thing happening here, where, I’m looking for something around the house for example, and because I’m using my eyes and I find it, I make the assumption that I should always be using my eyes. In that same manner where the obvious seems to bring to you some type of eureka moment, I’m experiencing it right now, searching for the next step in my life and giving myself an answer.
This answer happens to be the question of relativity, which is a part of my philosophy of the core fundamentals and your lie’s script, which I developed, and suddenly, similar to the eureka moments about using my eyes to locate an object, I feel like my philosophy of the core fundamentals has suddenly become the answer I’m looking for. The fact is however, that tomorrow when I’m in some other state, I will realize some other moment of inspiration or boundless knowledge and believe it to be true over what I discovered today.
This means that as time goes by, I can consider my thought to be evolving and evergreen. My interest in conceptualizing some boundary is actually the boundary itself. Let me explain. I just finished identifying that I run into mental blockages and these blockages are freed when I come to some moment of mental clarity however, they always include some additional thought that I can use to anchor my despair. This gives me some thought to connect with, feel completed by, and I lose control by pouring all my hope and faith into it.
I also confirmed that the following day, or at any other future moment in time, it’s possible and highly likely that I develop either another one of these thoughts, or, a complimentary thought that evolves the first anchor. This proves to me that when I become dislodged or disassociated in my mind, that the anchor, or in my explanation, the mental boundary, is some natural affinity that I search for and will typically obtain after a few days of deflection or reflection.
What I’m saying, is, however, that this disassociation and the rediscover of the anchor, is the boundary that I’m searching for. Regardless of the individual thought that I discover, it’s the discovery itself that is the boundary I require.
So let’s say that the issue is a disassociation to something and the resolution is the association, it’s irrelevant what the solution is so long as I’m able to associate myself. I consider this a type of rolling snowball, where, instead of rolling snow one day and stone another day, searching for the best material to roll, I’m actually just continuing a forever state of rolling, tossing new items into the ball I’m pushing.
It’s not the act of finding a new item to roll, rather, it’s the act of adding a new item into your roll.
Now I’ve already had the discussion with my wife a bit so I feel like I know where I’m headed with what I’m about to say, but I found that it was somewhat difficult to describe. We know now that there is some fundamental of rolling the ball which persists throughout my life, and the discovery of new items, the association to my world, the anchoring or boundary finding that I complete is this type of continuous merging that gives density and strength to my ball.
So the question was “Now that I’ve found the next discovery, where does this lead me”, and I realized immediately that I had already made a mistake. There was no discovery, because I already said that tomorrow I would discover another item which as we just found out will be merging of my todays’ newest discovery.
So in fact, I haven’t really found anything, so much as I just found out where I already was. I’ve always been rolling the ball and I will continue rolling the ball, and now, I now that any action I take is irrelevant because as long as I end up feeling disassociated with the ball, I can simply inquire as to where I am, and I will be told that I’m rolling the ball, thus, associating myself.
It’s hard to explain but I feel like there is this somewhat paradoxical action happening as a fundamental of my life, which is that I will always be doing something but what I’m doing is irrelevant because I’m still doing something. Push the ball, sleep, eat, move, build a business, I’m still doing things, I’m still growing, I’m still learning.
And so, the newest discover is really somewhat of a disassociation not between myself and my life, but more between the fundamentals of my life and the actions that build up the white noise in-between. I will always be growing, but growing is the fundamental. I will always be learning, but learning is the fundamental. We place, as humans, importance on the action itself, such as learning new things, or growing wise, but between the fundamentals of your existence and the daily actions of the choices you make, you will always be taking from the options which were laid before you.
It’s not really as depressing as you might imagine, that’s just your human self-applying some purpose to the learning you’re doing and you’re becoming sad, or disassociated. But we already know that sadness or the lack of purpose and meaning is really just some thing that you create, and also some thing that you destroy. This in its own duality, gives you the power to create anything you want, because you create your own needs, purpose and meaning.
I suppose the question is, at this point if I were returning to my non-fundamental understanding life, how is the discovery of discovers become any thing of a practical understanding or explanation, and how does this benefit my daily understandings relative to my life I live as my ego?
How does knowing that your life is just a constant rolling of the ball help you roll the ball? Well, it certainly does provide clarity, as you realize that you give yourself your own purpose and regardless of whether or not, fundamentally, whatever you do is worth anything or not, you know that you can make it be important.
So, fundamentally I know that whatever I’m doing, is always and inevitably progressive, which means that all I would need to do is find out how what I’m constantly pushing around can be useful to others. Whether I want to sell what I know, or help people love each other, I know that I’ve got 30 years of my own relative perspective on life and its value is only matched by the desire to discover.
Originally published at chrisdoiron.tumblr.com.
