My pain living a mediocre life..

I feel like I want to tell you why I’m going to write on Medium. I don’t know why I always need to explain myself.

A part of why I do this all the time is because of how writing clears my head. The clearing needs me to go through what I call a self-discovery piece. I feel like I’m writing in the wind, finding out who I am as I go.

The reason that I want to write right now about why I’m going to write is because I want to clear my mind about that thought. It’s a little scrambled because recently I’d been thinking about closing down CADs Academy. It’s been a sad thought really.

After a few days off, I came to some conclusions. One of them was about how I knew what I was doing, I just didn’t know it. I need to continue doing what I do.

Knowing that I knew what I was doing but didn’t realize I was doing it, I had to figure out what it was. The thought went something like this:

If the last two years I’ve been spending my time doing things and learning, and learning is the path to success, then I’ve been succeeding. The speed and breadth of this succeed is varied, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I realized that I’ve had many successful clients. I’ve learned how to use Facebook dark posts. I’ve taught people how to use different Facebook and website advertising techniques.

I better understand demographics and the need for this type of information when marketing. How to get research. How to talk to people. How to understand myself.

I’ve had coaching clients and testimonies for how much I’ve helped people. I’ve written for publications, published two books and made some high level networking friends in my region.

It goes without saying that all these accomplishments might be small wins to you, but they’re still wins. I’ve been doing nothing but winning for two years straight. Not once have I failed.

And yes, the lack of failure comes from the fact that I believe that success is learning, so even in failure I’ve learned and thus succeeded.

But despite the fact that I’m using semantics to make myself feel better about not getting the degree of success I want, it hasn’t proven to me that I’m actually a failure. I’m just not going in as hard and fast as I’m accustom to in my mind.

A lot of this has been about managing my expectation against reality. I’ve had to take a step back many times and humble myself and accept my victories. Sometimes I have a hard time not judging myself. I mostly call it drive, though.

After accepting that I’ve had so many of these victories, I didn’t feel like I needed to shut down CADs. I guess I just wanted to get more of an idea of what I was doing, since I’d previously had no idea what I was doing.

On the surface I knew what I was doing. But deep down it was always a learning experience. I doubt it’ll ever be anything different for me. It’s what I crave.

I’m reading The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and it’s clear to me that my thoughts are the trigger for my habits. The reward, the completion of a thought. The pure satisfaction of having a mental energy dissipate in some successful format is, pure, delicious, ecstasy.

I’ll give you an example. I had a thought earlier in this night. It set off a chain of mental processes and I knew I’d have to write about it. I’ve still writing now. When I’m done concluding the thoughts and it comes to that right point where everything collides nicely, I’ll feel the thought fade away and there will be nothing left. This is when I’ll stop writing. It’ll feel wonderful and I’ll be happy.

Most of the time it’s the same thing about any other thought that I have. The only problem is sometimes I come across thoughts that require much more deliberation and experimentation than the one I’m having right now. Sometimes I need to take 6 months and try to start some business idea or change careers.

When these get into motion, I’m forever dissatisfied and feel incomplete until it’s over. This is once reason why I’m such a bulk worker and getting that 80% completion rate on my thoughts is typically enough.

I cannot seem to build a business or venture to completion because I get close enough and it feels good enough that I stop.

On the surface I know what I’m doing because I’m seeking some experience to answer some question. Deep inside my mind, at the bottom of the whole thing, I’m really just running through the motion of learning a new life skill. Maybe deep is the wrong word somewhere here but, in the middle of all this, there is the thought that I could be turning these experiments into outward value.

A large part of what I’ve done in life in that middle ground is try to find a way to profit from what I like and who I am. In the most recent years I’ve learned many new synergistic buzzwords about betting on your strengths, answering questions, failure doesn’t exist, doing everything for your audience, playing the long-con game, being transparent, and all these cool start-up/entrepreneurial top tens about how we’re suppose to see the world.

After the 30 books that I’ve read in the last two years thought, and the two that I’ve written myself, there are certainly a few thoughts that seem to sum up my reality. They tend to include things as brisk as:

Nothing really matters so just do whatever you want. Work and work hard because whatever you think success is, it’s further away than you know. Serendipity is your number 1 factor of success however, success is about creating as many factors as possible.

For me, it’s becoming very much about intent. Because if you don’t give yourself permission to do what you want to do and say how you feel, you’re never going to break through the noise.

The best book I’ve ever read about this is a roaming millennial type book called The Quarter Life Breakthrough by Adam Smiley Poswolsky. It’s very much about taking success by the balls and never asking questions. Just move forward and don’t look back.

The only thing that’s ever really pissed me off about any self-help book has been the unrealistic stages that some of them are set. This is where I get angry and judge people I’ve never met and say things I’ll likely regret down the road so I’ll stick to one thing I’ve learned many times over… Positivity permeates.

You gotta be positive and show love at every step because it’s the quickest way to get where you want to go. The rest might get you there quicker, but hatred won’t blink an eye before allowing karma to take your money, fame and health away from you. I don’t live with regrets in life and I won’t begin now.

Knowing that life really is just about making a decision and going with it, I feel inadequate though. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like being under the pressure that most of them report feeling before success. You know…

Brendon Burchard and the car crash.

Gary Vee being an immigrant.

Adam Poswolsky hating his job/life.

Eric Ries fighting entrepreneurship.

Seth Godin fighting life.

James Alutcher being a loser.

Dale Carnegie/Napoleon Hill and everyone between 1800–1900 being born to poor, hated or uncivil families.

So many people that were faced by these dramatic entrances to their mainstream lives. People who were unknown, faught for what they believed, who were one in a million successful.

I don’t have to feel like them. I get to wake up every day to a loving wife, two healthy children and a manageable amount of personal debt.

All I’m trying to say is that I’ve got a perceived excuse to my lack of mainstream success. My mediocre life. A life where there are not enough threats to pull out the one in a million attitudes that I have hidden deep within. A life where if I fail at something, it doesn’t matter. And if I succeed, well, I’m slightly better off than where I already am?

It’s sad. Sad to excuse myself of greatness because I’m seemingly too lazy to go get what I want. I know that I’m capable. I see the small wins. I see the success I gain when I try or the conquering I do when I’m under stress.

I once created a 2.5 hour long video course with complimenting marketing material and written material on the 7 steps to having a successful life, in less than 1 business day. Literally, it was hours of recordings and video, writing and complimentary information that I threw together in something like seven and a half hours.

It was a test. I stressed myself to see if I could do it. I did.

I tried writing my first book for 15 years of my life until I finally wrote it in one month after telling myself I couldn’t do it. Turns out I could!

I told myself I was failing at life in my early twenties and a few years later was starting a family with my wife.

Every time I get myself lined up for failure, I turn it around. It’s the same reason why I cannot close CADs, because I’ll find some way to keep it open. Even if that means using learning as an the success mirage excuse.

It doesn’t stop the fact that I’m capable though. I know it and I can prove it, but that’s neither here nor there, right? What I’m really writing about, if you’re on the same wave length as I am, is that middle ground. The hyper realistic, success filled truthiness part. That spot where I stop excusing success and I actually just go get it. The part that I find under pressure when I need to, apparently.

I feel like I’ve got to challenge myself with unrealistic goals that are well beyond what is my norm just to see where I’ll land after an attempt.

The other day once I had a chat with a friend about shutting down CADs, he’d convinced me that I could be the next Casey Neistat. It’s interesting because someone like H3H3 will explain to us that Casey is just a nobody vlogger with expensive cameras, lots of disposable cash, jets and drones with no talent.

Coming from a guy who got fame by shit-talking people?

Anyways, it’s just interesting how success is perceived.

Casey has lots of viewers because of the WHAM, POW, BAM, BANG, and WAP-POW he puts in his videos.

H3H3 is successful because of the high level low level thoughts he expresses in a clear shit-talking manner.

Phillip DeFranco is successful because he tells the news back to people in a very unbiased manner appealing to both sides of every story.

Kevin O’leary is successful because his mother loaned him $10,000 to sell pirated educational copies of software he didn’t own like a 12 year old peddler on the street.

And CAD’s is successful because they take seemingly useless knowledge tomes called books and turns them into experimental wisdom called Contextual Development.

You know, there is a reason why I read all those books. There is a reason why I was able to take a few hours and create a 200 page diet and fitness bible with trackers and website complimentary information and videos. It’s because I’m naturally interested in the learning process and feel like consuming knowledge, experimenting with it, and using it to create perspective is the single most important, under-rated and interesting things in the universe.

What I wouldn’t give to live in a Chapters and have the technology to simply cut and paste books into new volumes in my own perspective.

Video is great but I don’t care about it. I like watching it because it’s that learning process I need. But I hate creating it. I hate editing it. I hate being in it.

I don’t mind writing. In fact, I like writing. I enjoy the creative thought process behind thinking, and writing helps my thoughts flow. I also enjoy cutting and pasting stuff, remixing and mashing stuff together to create new things.

This is why I enjoyed creating the first ever CADs Academy fitness program and tracking system. The problem is that most of it is remixed from material form BodyBuilding.com.

I cannot sell it because that’s copyright, despite sending all the kudos and links back to BodyBuilding.com, which I think is ridiculous. I hate copyright laws. Because some jerk doesn’t want me profiting from their information database despite what I’m giving back to them.

If I cannot license the information, I’ll have to change/recreate everything and find a new avenue. Pathetic. Let’s hope they respond kindly. None-the-less, it was super easy and I had a blast doing it. I could see myself stitching together content from multiple providers and putting together brand new and personalized programs for people.

These books could be published easily, branded, co-authored, and personally effective. It would be amazing. I just wish it wasn’t so difficult to create because of the red tape bs this world has instilled.

I’m not quite done writing tonight piece and I’m getting tired so this last bit has been more negative than I would have liked. Sorry about that. I’ll get back to the fact though that there is that hyper-realistic success middle point where I know I can do just about anything.

The question is what I want to do. Forgetting all the bush beating, it’s clear to me that I want to learn and teach. I don’t want to be locked into a single product like books or videos. I want to be able to branch out and create 80% complete MVP’s (Minimal Viable Products) and have digital shelves of my brain trinkets.

In order to do this, I just need to have a place to put these items. I need the shelves, like Medium for my writing and YouTube for video. Specific marketing and techniques will come at a later discussion but for now, I have shelves. The next piece are the trinkets. Today it’s an explorative journal piece. Tomorrow it might be a 4 minute video rant.

The problem with these things are how inconstant they are. But forgetting that in favor of noticing the small wins, if I focus on publishing more books and fixing up the current publications I have, there is room for better products on the shelves. Is this enough?

Ok. Too tired. Good night.

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