It’s ‘Sliding Doors’ for the people who think the film ‘Sliding Doors’ is still relevant.

Analysing the EU Referendum adverts: Vote Leave

As I write this, Bob Geldolf (Shouty, slightly-irrelevant musician and activist of Live-Aid and The Boomtown Rats) and Nigel Farage (Clownish, man of the people, of right-wing party UKIP) are having the the closest thing we’ve seen to a pitched naval battle in British waters in years.

This is like what happens when a group of people leave the club so late they share a bus with some humourless business man going to work.

It’s the most uproarious thing to happen in the river Thames since 2007, when that lost whale swam up it and promptly died in the harsh, unwelcoming waters (just as well, it probably trying to steal jobs from our own hard-working aquatic mammals).

As y0u’ll see, there’s little sense to these competing flotillas other than to get a bit of wild media coverage, and to see who can kit out their ship in the biggest balloons, most patriotic colours, and yell the fiercest messages of support about our (absent, you’ll notice) fishermen.

It’s just one more cringe-inducing step in the wrong direction for a conflicted and bitter EU Referendum campaign that has only divided the country and make us look like idiots to the outside world.

But grandiose expressions of dick-swinging are not the only cess pit we’ve fallen into on our way to some sort of heightened level of democracy (depending on how you see the issue).

A little Republican primary magic must have been got into our eyes, because suddenly we British people have cast off our stereotypically repressed attitude to conflict (something about keeping on and carrying calm or something) and decided that we bloody love shouting.

A video of a sensible and nicely argued debate.

It’s enough to make any slightly interested young people walk away from the possibility of rational debate. In summation, the ludicrous direct protests and debates that turn into straight-up shouting matches have basically caused everybody who was marginally engaged lean out of the debate, and instead just relying on total gut instinct and the opinions of their favourite celebrities.

But along creating with a broader definition of what constitutes a heated debate, we’ve also learned another tactic: the super-scary Campaign Advert. Finally, casting off any cloak of rationality, and diving head-first, and naked like a drunk teenager, into the flooded quarry of speculation, we are finally frolicking, uncontrollable and miserable, in the waters of scare tactics and emotive music.

(A note before we begin: This isn’t a comparison of talking points or the facts at hand, because to be honest, there aren’t really any in either side’s campaign adverts. It’s just a vague visual assault that taps into feelings and emotions, leaning heavily upon prejudice.)

Let’s have a look.

Part One: Vote Leave (the campaign for exiting the EU).

Act I: We start on a stark black frame. “Oh,” you think. “I might be about to learn something concise and informativ-” Suddenly, the brown noise:

BUMMMMMMMMMMMM David Cameron is going to kill every man woman and child in the country. BUMMMMMMMMM David Cameron wants to put little needles in your eyes while you’re asleep. BUMMMMMM DAVID CAMERON IS BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW BUT DON’T TURN AROUND BECAUSE THAT’S THE THING THAT MAKES HIM THE MOST MAD.

Pictured: Vague information. Not Pictured: the rest of the budget of this advert.

You’ve got to applaud the commitment to the ominous Inception-style single-note-on-the-keyboard soundtrack, this opening gambit is a wonderful piece of scare-mongering. “They’ve already installed the seat for the Turkish Prime Minister. And it’s lined with the hair of British dogs! British bulldogs.” They’re making it sound like the command deck of the fucking Death Star, and if this terrifying image of multi-coloured table made in Minecraft doesn’t convince you of the EU’s evil intentions, nothing will.

Christ alive. What does this colourful, equal, round table mean?

Next, we ditch that old school, words-on-a-screen shit for the flashiest graphics you’ve seen since you were getting a debriefing on Call of Duty 4.

I want to play as Winston Churchill!

Pixellating some of the greatest leaders that this country had in the 20th century like they were the wanted suspects of a pedophile ring does slightly send the wrong message, but as least we’ve got some full screen effects for this part of the advert.

Soon, we ditch that history bullshit, and get a close up of the NHS’ heartbeat flatlining. Get it? Because it’s about hospitals? Don’t worry if that one went over your head, because the visual association does not end there. Next, we’re treated to a frankly insulting metaphor.

“Okay, on the word ‘Money’, cut to B-Roll of a bunch of money flying around.” “Uh okay, but what does that imply? That it’s in excess and falling from the sky, or we’re sort of throwing it away? This actually doesn’t look like a lot of money, most of these are £5 notes.”

Anyway, back to the video game loading screen, I mean that map of Europe. Look at all these bloody countries. There’s like twenty of them. And not a single one of them is British. It’s a bloody disgrace. In my day one out of every five countries was Britain.

If you can find it in the video check out around the 1:10 mark when the narrator announces the five countries who will be joining the EU, and when she says “Turkey” there’s like a dinosaur scream noise in the background. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Are Turkish people dinosaurs now?

“That’s not so scary. More like a six-foot Turkey.”

Act III. Did all of that talk about other countries and that footage of a map make you sort of confused? Don’t worry, we’ve got the remedy. The moment that acoustic guitar fingerpicking nonsense kicks in you can be assured you’re either about to watch some advert for car insurance, or the most cliched bit of film you’ve seen all year.

Every appliance pictured here is somehow related to the making and imbibing of hot drinks.

Cut to: an older lady. In her home, pictures on the wall. She’s got family. She’s hanging out with her daughter. They’re drinking tea. I wish we could switch our flag for this in gif-form, for this is the apex of Britishness.

Suddenly, she has a heart attack or something, and her daughter decides to walk her to the hospital. Good going, daughter. I guess it wasn’t urgent. In which case, don’t waste the emergency services’ time. But I digress.

Now we’re treated to the most innovative direction since 500 Days Of Summer (2010), wherein we get two different realities, side-by-side; one in which Britain is in the EU, the other in which it’s left. There’s no dialogue in these bits, just more infuriating acoustic guitar, so we’re left to assume why the hospital in the EU is worse using only visual clues.

The problem with that is that everything just takes on a sort of accidental racial connotation.

But first, you’ll notice that there seems to be far more people in the EU hospital. What happens when we leave the EU? Do people not get sick? Do we kill them when they do? Are we feeding our sick and weak to our livestock? Tell me!

Next, a side-by-side of some hard working nurses, or one lazy nurse. It’s hard to say what this bit is about. Well no, actually it’s not. Uh, outside of the EU you can get seen by a white nurse, the way it should be? Anyway, the lazy, black nurse on the left just sort of goes on the phone and lets customers line up in the waiting room, which if you think about it is exactly what Brussels wants.

Left: probably sick with some migrant disease. Right: probably celebrated the footy and the Queen’s birthday too hard.

Why have they felt the need to include this shot on the left? What darkness does this ethnically-ambiguous man hold deep inside of him?

Oh God, in the EU ill Asian people can come into our hospitals and hold loving gazes directly at the camera! What’s absolutely messed up is the way he’s the only person in this entire short film who breaks the 4th wall, like he’s showing the audience that we’re complicit in his attempt to get some sort of healthcare for his illness (he’s been diagnosed with a terminal case of SEXY. There is no cure).

Look at these sick fucks doing paperwork, taking the time to read up on our conditions and medical history. Just give me a thing on the end of my finger, already, you goddamn quacks! Anyway, having floated through the hospital waiting room like it was no problem, the right-hand, non-EU side continues with our protagonist’s treatment, while the left-hand side focuses on these nurse-hands filing papers for a little while longer. Finally the inside-the-EU waiting room clears out, even allowing that sultry man with the glasses through before our sweet old dear.

MOTHERFUCKER!

“Haha,” they’re saying on the right, probably. “What a funny old stay at the hospital. Wasn’t that a bloody laugh?” Apparently completely recovered, the lady and her daughter stroll the three-hour walk back home to drink their cold tea as the credits roll.

The pair languishing in the EU waiting room, however, have to look at the camera for what feels like ten minutes, staring disapprovingly as us as if to say, “You did this. You let that fucking lady with the broken legs, and that black nurse, and that asian man with the smouldering eyes do this to us.”

If I were waiting that long, I’d at least take my coat off.

That was about as horrible as I imagined it would be. We’ve had some laughs today, but that’s all we’ve had. The problem we have with this campaign right now is a lack of substance in the mainstream media.

We’re feeling it in every leaflet we get through, every meme shared on Facebook, and every baseless radio listener call-in rant. I’m not against a sensible, rational, fact-driven campaign. But right now, we’re not getting that. We never will.

We’re retreating back to our own preconceived biases and then looking at an over-produced fireworks display made by our ‘side’ to tug at our heartstrings and push all the emotional buttons, and tell us how right we are. Some of the top campaign managers making these adverts in the country are asking themselves how stupid they think we are, and the answer is PRETTY.

It’s enough to make you want to get in a boat with a megaphone and yell insults at other boats.

Next week: The Stronger In Europe advert!