We’re not great at apologizing. Let’s get better.

Hey everyone. Can we talk about how to apologize? Because we don’t always do a very good job at it. And I think we can do better.

Apologizing is a skill that, thankfully, most of us don’t need to use on a daily basis. It’s not a skill that we particularly want to think about, nor is it one that we’d have any pride in being good at. Yet it’s one of those skills that, when we do need to use it, we wish we had more practice with.

Lately, a lot of people in the public sphere have been apologizing, and — like most public apologies — they’ve been pretty bad. Unfortunately, I think public apologies, no matter how poor they are, unconsciously become models for our private apologies, simply because they’re the most convenient examples of statements that we don’t have practice in making very often. This is something that I’ve observed in my own attempts at apologizing, as well as in the apologies of people in my personal and professional lives, and I’m going to say right now: this isn’t good. We need to stop. We need to reexamine the purpose of an apology and acknowledge that it isn’t supposed to be an excuse, or a bid to squirm out of something, or even simply as a way to save face. An apology is an opportunity to not only make things right with someone we’ve wronged, but also how we start to make things right within ourselves.

I think we can do better at apologizing. And I have four suggestions on how to do just that.

1. “If I offended you.” Avoid the non-apology.

I’m going to go ahead and say that the word “if” has no place in an apology. “If” is a word that tees up a condition, and apologies aren’t about conditions; they’re about admissions. In Donald Trump’s initial statement responding to a video I don’t think I need to link, his apology applies only “if anyone was offended.” Similarly, after mocking Asian-Americans and Asian culture in a video I have no interest in linking, political commentator Jesse Watters went to Twitter and posted the following:

Saying you’re sorry “if anyone found offense” or “if I upset you” or “if I was in the wrong” is a very take-it-or-leave-it attitude towards apologizing that shows neither personal contrition nor respect towards the person(s) you’re supposedly apologizing to. It’s the verbal equivalent of leaving a plate of cookies for someone you insulted with the note, “Heyyyyyyy, if you’re mad me, hope these make up for it :):):);)” before fluttering off to watch Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children for the fourth time. It’s rude, it’s impersonal, and it’s an attempt to foist responsibility of your mistake onto the person who was on the receiving end of that mistake in the first place. You’re asking that person to examine your actions, determine if they were mistakes by their standards, and then forgive you if that criteria is met, all while you get to chill as you wait for their response. It’s apologizing without actually taking any steps involved in an apology. It’s apologizing without being an actual adult who should be taking personal responsibility and asking, “What were my actions, why were they wrong by any standard, and how do I properly approach my friend/colleague/family member/whoever to begin fixing this?”

Now, I imagine many of us have used “if” in an apology in the instances of borderline cases, when we really don’t know if what we did was wrong without more information from the person we may have offended. Totally understandable; I’ve done that a lot. But even then, I’ve noticed that it’s much more powerful to drop the conditional, ask the person directly, and then apologize when it’s warranted.

Here’s an example of that using an actual conversation I’ve had:

Friend: “Hey, do you have a minute?”

Me: “Sure! What’s up?”

Friend: “The other day I remember I referred to you as someone who was ‘oriental.’ Was that wrong? Because someone just told me that it’s not okay to call Asians by that term.”

Me: “Oh, no, I didn’t take offense at all. But it’s true, these days it’s considered poor form to call Asian people that, at least in America. It’s not that well known, and I don’t know how many of us are actually bothered by it, but no harm in avoiding it.”

Friend: “But ‘oriental rug’ and ‘Oriental Express’ are fine?”

Me: “Yeah, objects but not people.”

Friend: “Okay, thanks for letting me know.”

Me: “Sure. Oh, hey, speaking of rugs: I need to apologize for setting fire to your carpet yesterday.”

Friend: “Say what now?”

I think those of us who use “if” in borderline cases are genuinely trying to appear accommodating, but it probably makes us seem more aloof, and that’s why communication will win the day. Be like my friend: get the information first. Show people that you value their thoughts and their limits, and engage them instead of simply leaving cookies.

2. Commit.

If you have to apologize, then apologize. Another reason why non-apologies like the examples above are maddening is because they’re clearly not all-in. There’s a huge difference between a full-effort apology and one that does its best to be non-committal, and anyone and everyone can tell. Moreover, all of us can tell when an apology is focused on rectifying an error versus one that has — inappropriately — another agenda. How many of us have used apologies chiefly as excuses? (I’m raising both of my hands furiously right now.) Or to ingratiate ourselves with others? To shield someone else from the consequences of their behavior? Or just simply to be passive-aggressive? (“Sorry for calling you ‘stupid’ for not liking Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. I forgot that you don’t appreciate interesting films.”)

If you have to apologize, then apologize. Do your homework, figure out what went wrong, and then commit to an apology. Make it full-throated, make it earnest, and don’t add stuff that detracts from its message. And for the love of everything decent, don’t text it, tweet it, or fling it up on someone’s Facebook wall. If you have to write it, do so in a letter, but apologizing in person is what we should be doing pretty much all of the time. And above all, address the person you’re apologizing to; don’t make it about yourself. What bugs me about Jesse Watters’s tweets and Donald Trump’s video apology is that they try to apologize for offensive remarks but make no actual effort to address those that the offensive remarks were originally aimed at (Asians and women, respectively). So focus on who you hurt. On how they may have felt, and how you probably came off as a real jerkbag in the situation. If you can keep the focus on the person you wronged, much if not most of your apology will fall into place.

3. Resolve to improve.

If there is a single hallmark of a great apology, I would say that it’s when, after the apologizer has given his or her apology, our respect for him or her goes up. Maybe it brings our level of respect for the apologizer back to where it was. Maybe it even pushes it beyond that. Great apologies accomplish this by committing to the message, by focusing on the victim, and more often than not, by pledging to do better. For instance, this TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL (maybe?) conversation:

Me: “Sure. Oh, hey, speaking of rugs: I need to apologize for setting fire to your carpet yesterday.”

Friend: “Say what now?”

Me: “Yeah. While you were gone, despite you telling me not to, I was playing around with that high-powered survival lighter of yours and burned up a bit of your living room carpet. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it, I’ll pay you back, and it won’t happen again.”

Friend: “You’re an idiot.”

Sometimes it is as simple as “it won’t happen again.” Sometimes it’s way more involved than that. Whatever the corrective action, resolving to do it is important. Even if someone — like my friend in the TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation above — doesn’t accept your apology right away, that’s okay. Because apologies aren’t just about bringing an error to an appropriate end; it’s also about beginning a process that will make you a better person.

In case any of you think I’m being flippant in the example above, allow me to list three big apologies I’ve had to make going back to the summer of last year:

• Apologizing to a friend for taking advantage of them.
• Apologizing to another friend for holding them to unfair expectations.
• Apologizing to yet another friend for harboring anger that affected our relationship.

I remember these apologies, even if they happened over a year ago, because I’m still working on them. Even after my friends have forgiven me, perhaps after they’ve forgotten all about what happened, I’m still working on the part of the apology that applies specifically to me: learning from what I’ve done. An apology isn’t just something you owe to somebody; it’s also something you owe to you and your future self. It’s a way to tell your brain, “Hey, what I just did wasn’t okay, and I need to find a way to fix it.” Because moving forward, you don’t want to have to apologize for the same mistake again, so the best thing to do is to learn how to not make that mistake again in the first place. It isn’t just about making things right for a past mistake; it’s about keeping things right in the rest of your life, present and future.

That’s why I think it’s important we get better at apologizing. That’s why I’m writing this. Because a good apology lasts. Not just with the person who received it, but also with the person who gave it.

4. Don’t apologize when you shouldn’t.

More broadly, I think we use apologetic language too frequently as a way to fill our conversations, and that simultaneously dilutes our real apologies while making it more difficult for us to identify what good apologies look like. Too often we say “sorry” to appear disarming and accommodating. Or in situations where we should be saying “thank you” instead, as this lovely comic illustrates. And, like when I was a teenager shouting “Sorry for even being born!” while pouting underneath a Coldplay poster, we use apologetic language for sarcasm as well.

Worst of all, though, is when we apologize for being who we are and doing what we do. When we say “sorry” for enriching this world simply because there are people out there who don’t like seeing that happen. I could go on and on about those people, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to give them the time of day, and I don’t want to give them any more attention than they already get. And frankly, there aren’t very many of them. They’re just loud.

The great big rest of you are awesome. Quietly awesome, and you shouldn’t have to apologize for the raft of things that loud, obnoxious people are demanding we be sorry for. So don’t. Don’t be sorry, and don’t say it. Don’t be sorry for who you are. Don’t apologize

• for being a woman,
• for being a man,
• for being Asian,
• for being black,
• for being Hispanic,
• for being any ethnicity,
• for praising God,
• for being gay,
• for prioritizing family,
• for having authority,
• for fulfilling duty,
• for being prudent,
• for having an opinion,
• for stating facts,
• for speaking truth,
• for championing compassion,
• for defending those in need,
• for finding focus,
• for dreaming,
• for passions,
• for art,
• for friends,
• for family,
• for belief,
• for laughter,
• for sadness,
• for creativity,
• for seriousness,
• for your body,
• for your accomplishments,
• for your history,
• for your interests,
• for your story,
• for being quirky,
• for liking bad action flicks,
• for liking really bad action flicks,
• for extending a helping hand,
• for holding others to a higher standard,
• for applying higher standards to yourself,
• for expecting respect,
• for being different,
• for befriending people who are different,
• for being confused,
• for feeling sorry,
• for being a mess,
• for being alive,
• for loving.

The list, needless to say, goes on.