I used to be ashamed to say I wanted to find partner or boyfriend, especially among my girl friends. I thought it meant I was being needy and not taking care of myself first, and just wanted someone to tell me I was pretty — buying into some weird misogyny of empowerment.
I’ve been single for almost 2 years now after leaving a 5 year relationship. After we broke up I finally started to get sober and I’m dealing with mental health issues. I was so lonely; I wanted a boyfriend to tell me I was pretty and mattered but kept telling myself to stop being so stupid and weak (self flagellation always works — right?)
Right now though, after my own “working on myself” I actually don’t want a boyfriend and I’m not just saying that. I mean, I still want to share my life with someone, but I don’t have the bandwidth to make the emotional investment in another person to have the kind of relationship I want. That time and “working on myself” did make me realize what’s I want in a relationship and what’s important to me. I know it’s something I can’t do at this moment, maybe in a couple months. But I’m actually OK with that.
STILL, BEING SINGLE SUCKS. It sucks more than before when I was desperate to find someone, because now I know what I’m missing. I could really have used the support of a partner over the past two years. I know I had to do it alone to learn all of this, but god damn it — it SUCKS.
I guess I’m just saying “Gurl, I feel you HARD”