I moved across the country to go to grad school

I moved from Portland OR to Philadelphia PA. I moved without a place to live, but staying at a friend’s apartment from August 22nd-September 1st. I thought I would be able to get an apartment by September 1st. If not, I did have other options until I found a place. My friend Mary offered me a place to stay, and I could always stay at a hostel for example.

It is now August 28th and I have been here nearly a week. I thought I was going to get an apartment, but had no luck. The lady gave me the applications and told me what she needed. I did everything, and for some reason she changed her mind. I have spent at least 12 hours of everyday of the last week doing nothing but looking for housing, applying to housing, and looking for jobs. I have found nothing.

I start school today and I am going to an open house job interview. But I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I never should have applied for grad school, and I never should have came here. I miss my girlfriend and I miss my cat. I am bordering on homeless and I have no way to sustain my existence.

On Friday, I went to my department’s orientation. I accidentally slept in and was an hour late, due to the fact that I had previously been working swing shift, would stay up late after work, going to bed around 3 or 4 am. Now I am on the east coast, putting that schedule 3 hours forward, making me constantly fighting being nocturnal. I arrived at the orientation and came in extremely panicked. It was clear I was out of sorts and the department coordinator calmed me and told me it would be okay. I was a nervous wreck. I went to speak with the department head to schedule my classes. We talked a little bit and he said ‘I’m a little surprised you didn’t reach out to Brian [one of my profs] more before coming here’. Something about him saying this made me break down. I started crying. I was so embarrassed.

Since then, things have not gotten better. I am constantly cycling from drastic moods, multiple times a day. I seem to have a major panic attack every evening. I told multiple people that I was thinking about coming back, and they all told me to be strong. I don’t feel like being strong anymore. I will stay here, I will stay strong, but I’m losing my will.

My last day to drop classes is September 11th. The way I see it is I have until then to have some tangible improvements to my life…or I might have no choice but to leave.

This all feels like a weird dream sometimes. Nothing has worked out for me, at all. :(

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a convenience store inside a casino

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