Learning to embrace solitude
I go a lot. I do a lot. I believe in living and enjoying a full life, and I do it.
And I do a lot of it alone.
Though I am entirely happy with my life, I have moments of discontent and loneliness. Sometimes it is piercing and distracts me from all the goodness in my life. It’s not all the time, and it usually doesn’t last long. Still, it’s tough to handle.
When it hits, I’m often on my way home from some beautiful event or activity. Maybe it strikes after I’ve been meandering the stacks at John K. King Used & Rare Books, seeing new work at the Museum of Contemporary Art Detroit (MOCAD), or exploring some of my favorite pieces at the Detroit Institute of Arts (DIA). Sometimes it hits me following a concert or a play. Other times it seeps in after I’ve spent time with family and friends, on my way home from a Sunday or holiday dinner. Some moments I’m cooking breakfast and drinking coffee at home in my stocking-feet, lying on the floor with a stack of books and my feet on the couch laughing about what I’m reading, or having a Tidal dance party with my favorite songs and bands.
I understand these waves loneliness. It’s longing to share an experience with someone who gets me. It’s desire for shared memory or nostalgia. It is wanting someone to notice when I flare my nose and hold my tongue when I disagree with my aunt, and someone to laugh with about the fun conversation on our two-hour ride home. It’s looking forward to sharing that piece of the leftover raspberry pie when we get back. It’s wanting to share a meal at home, have someone fill up my glass of water when it’s empty, or rub my feet while I read.
I embrace this kind of loneliness. I do long for someone to share life experiences. I want to have shared memories with someone who gets me. I’m not afraid or ashamed of that feeling, so I can hold it tightly, accept it for what it is, have a good cry (maybe with a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate), and move on.
But there’s another kind of loneliness that hits me, and it’s ugly. Sometimes when I’m in the middle of my workday or slogging through a personal project, I feel alone and needy. I long for distraction. I check my phone to see if someone has texted. I inappropriately reach out to family, friends, or lovers. It’s taken me some time to accept this loneliness for what it is: boredom and avoidance.
This unpleasant loneliness pops up when I’m avoiding work I need to do, whether simple, physical chores, stuff I don’t like to do, or emotional heavy lifting. It pops up when I’m disengaged from my job. It rears its head when I’m annoyed and don’t want to deal with the real cause of my displeasure . As I figured this out — and had it pointed out by close, dear friends, I’ve been challenged to accept it. (May you be so lucky to have friends who so gently call out your flaws!)
It’s frustrating to me that I am the source of my bad feeling. By avoiding the real work I need to do, I make myself feel bored and lonely, and that is foul. So cheers to all the work I’m learning to appreciate so I can embrace my solitude.
- Researching cars and talking to a salesperson
- Weekly budget management
- Cleaning my hair out of the shower drain
- Examining my relationship mistakes and making changes to fix those habits
- Thinking about faith
- Starting a business of my own
- Deciding where I want to live
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For more on embracing solitude as a choice, read Why You Should Find Time to Be Alone With Yourself from the New York Times.
