Sex (in? out?) of the City
Three men who have in some way drove me crazy or made me spend an entire afternoon having a breakdown at the Gap over a pair of white jeans. But it’s not about the jeans. In some cases, it is about the jeans. But not today.
Bachelor number one. Roses, kids, marriage. I heard it all from his mouth. Two months of bliss. I never played into it- I was the reserved one. But it was nice to hold hands in his car. Only, he had a girlfriend at the time and hid her from me.
Bachelor number two. The ten year friend that wants to marry his best friend. We could easily co parent. But I am not in love with him. He loves me. And I’ve broken his heart. However, that might have been my only chance. A bit of anger problem though. I don’t know if I brought that out since the break up, but he has road rage too.
And here’s Bachelor number three. He’s the guy flying a private jet and he’s got too much money. But he plucked plain ol’ me out of a tree. Like all those movies you see. Only, he’s not very compassionate. He’s not very empathetic. And I don’t know where he is half the time. When he did love me, and I figure he did in the beginning- he was the perfect guy. But money, greed, and a little bit of fame- has made him less than pleasant to be around.
One and two have been there for me. A family member died. One and two spent all night on the phone with me. Despite not having a relationship with me. Despite not sleeping with me.
Three is the guy I want. The worst choice. And I don’t know, they’re all pretty bad choices. And I blame myself. I put too much emphasis on those three seconds of heaven. The three seconds where they look over at you, and you think ‘this could be the father of my children.’ And I’m a sucker for them. It only makes it worse as each man posts pictures of himself with smaller, cuter kids each time. But they don’t want that. Not with you anyway.
One and two would sleep with me in a heart beat.
Which is strange. You would think number three- who has access to all the sex and girls he wants- would also be inclined. He has shown interest however, there is a roadblock. He believes it will somehow affect his career. We were in the same business. Not anymore. Let me say that again- not anymore. I can’t get rehired into our business. So really, it’s not an issue. And sometimes I wonder if he’s got other women, not that I would be upset, I just want to know if I need to go to the doctor or we need a talk. Should the occasion arise that he pokes around (literally) I would probably say no. Not until we’re both tested.
It’s amazing what death does. Two men are by my side. And they have no reason to be. The third, who claimed he wanted to be by my side- is actually the worst person.
These are minor distractions. I know there is more in life- but like I said- I lost my career. And to have three seconds of bliss- is better than no seconds. It’s a rainy today. I breathe in. Collapse my lungs. I shut off my phone. One and two will call. Three will not. Not that I’m waiting for anyone to call- I just know what’s coming for me. I look through the job ads. I feel my depression bubbling. I try to clear my head. I try to live.
