Someone get this kid a napkin pronto!

’Tis the birthday cake to subjectively put all the other birthday cakes to shame: The Carvel Ice Cream Cake. So delicious, so delectable, so deceivingly full of objectionable ingredients much too ridiculous to believe that they exist within a reasonably edible, tasty frozen dessert — and yet, they do. Such delectable contents include everyone’s favorite go-to, high-fructose corn syrup, diglycerides, cellulose gum, and the absolute yummiest part — sodium phosphate. If I didn’t know any better, I would think the aforementioned elements were all song titles from an upcoming Kanye West album. Even so, a single Carvel ice cream cake…

There was a time in my life when everything was upside-down — quite literally — my mother was once heavy into crack and heroin, and never knew which way to wear her housecoats. Sure she may be sober now, but you wouldn’t believe how many times I had to explain to my friends that the shoe she intently bobby-pinned to her head, was actually a fashionable bun. It was how she preferred to look while cleaning the kitchen.

Drugs made my mother a little more than eccentric…she was plain ole’ nuts. When she wasn’t out chasing the rock, she was…

Christopher Albert

I'm a writer and humorist with stories and jokes to tell. I also perform them. Thank you for reading.

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