Draft Press Release on the Presumptive GOP Nominee

by Christopher S. Rhee

Might I suggest the following language for Republican lawmakers who are struggling with supporting their Party’s nominee:

As a lifelong member of the Republican Party, I sold my soul long ago to the pagan gods of perpetual corporate tax cuts and freedom from government overreach excepting women’s lady parts, brown people who just want to vote, and deciding exactly where everyone should pee. Therefore, I have made a commitment to support the person whom, according to the latest news reports, appears to be on track to amass 1,237 Republican presidential delegates.

Personally, I would have preferred a different outcome, having previously endorsed: Rick Perry, Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson (briefly), and finally, while suppressing a serious gag reflex, Ted Cruz. At this time, I won’t be issuing another endorsement. Please don’t consider my support for said person whom appears to be on track to amass 1237 Republican presidential delegates as an endorsement or an embrace of every bout of verbal diarrhea out of his mouth. Please.

I will not be liking his Facebook page. And I will not be attending the party’s convention this summer in Cleveland, having previously committed to spend that week f**king my Argentinian mistress/diddling teenage Boy Scouts/volunteering at a soup kitchen that I slashed funding for.

We are a proud party, the party of Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and apparently now a guy who donated several thousand dollars to Hillary Clinton’s last presidential campaign (WTF, people!). In the months and years ahead, I look forward to working tirelessly with the remaining white and aged members of my party to recover some semblance of our dignity.

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