I am a social media marketer, a former television news director, an over-protective mother, a dabbling baker and a slow but hope-to-get faster runner.

Apr 28, 2016

The Woman Card: Don’t Leave Home Without It

I’ll admit it. As a card-carrying woman, I’ve been part of the conspiracy to keep this whole woman card thing under wraps. The power and privilege, well, we women just didn’t want to share it. Donald Trump, with his piercing intellect, has uncovered the secret. Darn, him and his big brain. (Of course, those little hands couldn’t carry a woman card!)

Thanks to Donald, you all now know that the woman card grants any woman votes. It didn’t really work for Sarah Palin, but I’m sure it would have, had she been at the top of the ticket!

Now, votes aren’t the only benefit, there are countless perks available to cardholders. Such as:

Getting paid less than men. The woman card allows every American woman to be paid less than a man, even an uneducated and unqualified man. On average, cardholders earn 78 cents for every dollar a man earns.
Unwanted, unsolicited catcalls. That’s right, ladies. Every construction worker and random man will be compelled to share exactly what they would like to do with you, or which parts of your anatomy they really like, as you walk down the street. Fun, right? (Note: this benefit ceases at age 50 when you become invisible to all men.)
Sexual assault each year for 238,000 cardholders. In fact, one out of every 6 cardholders will be victims of sexual assault or abuse over their lifetimes.
The Pink Tax. Lucky cardholders get to pay more for personal grooming items such as razors, deodorant and shampoo.
No pesky healthcare decisions. Reproductive health care decisions are made for you by extremely well informed and knowledgeable lawmakers.
No worries about executive leadership roles. It’s just too hard to juggle a family and an executive position, so boards and hiring managers will alleviate that stress for you by never considering your qualifications for the role. Only 15% of cardholders ever become CEO. Glad that worry is lifted, how about you?

These are just a few of the many benefits that come with having a woman card in the United States today. Applications are taken at birth and membership lasts a lifetime.

I understand your desire to have some of these benefits,too, but unless you can vote with your vagina, well, you’re just out of luck.

Membership really does have its privileges!