Million Missing ME
Comfort lies nowhere where people might be to see my pain be recycled, no reprieve from an illness, no happy ending to light up their face, no break I can offer them when they ask how I feel.
Disingenuous responses play on repeat: “I’m not too bad” and quickly diverting to their lives to spare us both my agony. We smile.
Nowhere to share how terrified I am as I slip through systemic cracks sizeable to deep crevices that open platonic plates apart to fill with molten hot lava. The same stuff runs the length and breadth of my nerves, fibers kamikaze to their fiery death inside, shattering in one last crescendo to make sure my brain cannot but feel their pain and never again will I be free.
I want to wake up and run up my favourite mountain. Jump in a wave and float in my own buoyancy sealed with the power of sea and memories that lift me up. I want to live above the breadline and not feel a drain on society with unbiased disability.
Worry not about my bodies inability to control its temperature, to choose between heating or laundry. Ne’er enough hours in the day in which fatigue fades to invigorate creativity if only to express a pinch of reality. As loved ones moments pass by and all overdrafts can’t recover for the norm of showing how I really feel so deeply about them.
Again I lay in full dark wondering how long can I endure stagnating to maybe one day get out of the red, jump out of my bed, but lacking alone surely is death because life goes on and withdrawals have proven the hardest to process that come in human numbers.
No more ojas to get through the faintest sniff of labour I nail my self a slob because I sit uncomfortably in pyjamas. Still the cloth sears my skin, underwear burning delicate flesh and brain fog retards concentration; depleting wit and whimsy.
I’ve taken more than my share of risks but the outcomes more flimsy than what magical thinking promises in return. And so I’m here again praying that the joy and peace of God is yours and mine, to understand what it means that Will one day let us heal and wake up refreshed to run up that mountain.
