Shouting Out the Best of the Truly Insane Bachelorette Contestant Bios

It’s Bachelorette season, baby! As someone who consumed my first ever piece of the entertainment behemoth that is The Bachelor Franchise last year (starting off with Nick Viall’s season was a particularly stark & fatalistic weekly punishment but somehow…I want more?) I am amped to be on board for this season from the beginning for what I assume is a long storied tradition among members of decidedly-first-world country Bachelor Nation: the openly horrifying first read of these brown haired boys’ bios.

Who will Rachel, accomplished attorney from Dallas, choose to be her mate? Will it be the guy who got a boner at the office? Will it be the man whose honest to god name is Jedidiah? Will it be one of the OTHER TWO MEN who admitted to getting a boner at the office? Only time will tell, but I’ve taken a look at all the bios & I already have some front runners:

  1. Grant, the bus-shitting leader of the free world:
Grant, pictured here, once openly dookied on Peruvian public transport.
If you could be someone else just for one day, who would it be and why? President of the United States. I like being in charge of making big decisions.
What is your most embarrassing moment? I once had a stomach bug in Peru and had to defecate in a cut open 2-liter coke bottle in the back of a tour bus.
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I like being the center of attention while appearing to maintain a humble outlook on it. This allows for others to envy and respect you more.

Would like very much for Grant to quantify just how much respect & envy was garnered when he made the “big decision” to humbly deuce in a Shasta bottle. #Grant2020.

2 . Extremely chill Alex, who self-describes as “selfish & unemotional”:

Alex will buy you a car because it’s the normal & logical gift all women crave.
What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic
Who is your favorite artist? The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)
What is the most romantic present you have ever given? Why? A car. I like giving practical gifts.

Leave it to logical Alex to purchase you an entire fucking vehicle on your first date & NOT apologize for it. I just included the The Rock thing because I like it.

3. Brady, the racist:

Brady, seen here seething with internal rage as he imagines an immigrant greeting him.
Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date? Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn’t speak English.

Brady seems nice & I can’t think of a single thing that’s fucked up about his answers at all.

4. EXTREMELY good boy Jedidiah:

Jedidiah, above, thinking about scrambling someone’s eggs on the continental divide.
What is the craziest place you’ve had sex? Just off the continental divide on a glacier in the mountains.
What are your favorite breakfast foods? LOVE scrambled eggs.
What makes you the happiest, what makes you mad? Happy: New socks, nice hotel rooms, good pens, in-room coffee. Mad: Wasting any time, when kids get hurt.

Turn ons: joy, happiness, winking & saying “not without my coffee”, dogs with kind eyes

Turn offs: NBC miniseries The Slap

5. Dean “Marriage Material” Lastname:

Dean is one of two admitted contestants who has a lower lip tattoo.
What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a life-long commitment.

Welcome to The Bachelorette, Dean!

There are more, oh so many more fit, tan & flexing hunks smiling in front of the Freaks & Geeks photo-day backdrop to peruse but alas, let us keep the mystery alive and enjoy the ride that is The Bachelorette Season 44. Best of luck to Rachel, who I can honestly say is too good for every lip-tatted, bus-dookie-ing mama’s boy who applied to win the chance to embark on the institutionalized sham of a lifetime. May the odds be ever in her favor.