Just want to know

August 13, 2016 7:30pm

“I just want to know”

No, you don’t. You don’t “just want to know.”

Because if you know, if you know for sure, then you can’t pretend. You can’t live in this world where you and he exist as something more than what is true, if you know.

You don’t want to know. You don’t want to know that you aren’t who he chooses. You don’t want to know that, because then you can’t fall asleep with that smile on your face.

You say you just want to know that you can move forward. But that’s bullshit. Because once you know, you can’t stop living in the past: I knew. I should have pursued things with the other guy.

“At least now you know”

Like some how that fixes it. Like knowing will stop your heart being ripped to shreds by the black hole that suddenly appeared — held in by your ribcage.

“I just want to know”

No, you don’t.

Ignorance is bliss, you stupid bitch. You DID know, you SHOULD have pursued things with the other guy, but you didn’t — by choice.

You chose to sit in the car with absolute contentment filling your soul — while you thought you knew.

And it ended with you, sitting in your car with an absolute void filling your soul — when you finally knew.

**tiedye**

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