Sad Again

Well this weekend started off great /s with me missing my work shift; the first “big” mistake of my working life. My parents were of the “don’t worry about it” party, “just quit the job l0l.” For people who worry about me all the time, its amazing they don’t think about the reaching consequences of poor job performance. I quit all my volunteering and do nothing else, so I do need this as a reference probably.

But more than that I’m falling into another funk… Staying in bed for hours, not wanting to face the world. Nothing makes me happy anymore for some reason. I spent the whole spring break browsing my usual internet hubs so there’s no new posts to see now. Or I’ve already read 10 variations of that same post already. Only the act itself entertains me, not the content. Shopping makes me momentarily happy, which is why I’m saving exactly 0% of my work money. Not something I’m proud of, but I honestly can’t care right now.

I tried Stardew Valley and couldn’t play more than an hour. I can get through one or two let’s play videos on youtube but lose interest after that. The most I can get through a book is one chapter, or 1/3 of an audiobook. TV shows are a knowing time sink, which is why I avoid them. Ones I start I can’t get through more than half of it. I even skim through movies, although there’s a much better completion rate with that. Everything is ruined…

I really don’t belong to any community. I don’t have the money or sewing skills to try lolita (nor would my parents allow me), don’t have the money or body to try fashion (nor would my parents approve), don’t have a freezer (it’s full) or free kitchen to work on cooking, am not a male nor old enough to be a “real” robot, don’t have the discipline to be a wizard, etc… Sure I could pick up those things, but I can’t commit to anything long enough to have progress. There’s no point; nobody to revel with, nobody to compare to, share the process, and tiny daily things… These communities, people have lives outside of them. That’s why the boards seem so slow and repetitive to me.

My diet seems to have plateaued, although I can’t tell if I am just not waiting long enough for results. It has only been 5 weeks since I started which should equal only 5 pounds, after all. Slow progress is slow. My analog scale varies by 3 pounds depending where you stand on it so there’s no point doing daily weigh-ins. Water changes weight by two pounds so weekly weigh-ins aren’t accurate either. The food I buy goes stale before I can cook it, so no real progress there. If I cook it all and eat it I’ll get fat though. And my parents are constantly in the kitchen (literally) so I try to avoid going downstairs.

But I have come up with a new theory; that seeing all my peers’ updates are what is making me sad.

I can’t disable Facebook since that is my only connection to my classmates, need be, but I can stop checking it for fun, and stop keeping these chat clients on. Not that it matters. I’m a ghost already. I sent someone a message 2 days ago and finally got the reply “Lol” at midnight, presumably before they went to sleep. It was just some funny picture so I didn’t really need a reply but the logistics behind it made me sad. They were probably out all day with friends since it was the weekend and didn’t even think to check or reply until they had nothing better to do; I was just an afterthought.

I’m not really sure what people talk about, honestly. When I send somebody a link I get “???” as a reply, as if I shouldn’t share unrelevant things to them, when I ask them what they are doing, they just say “work” or some other one word answer. How do I get people to tell me about the tiny things? Or just talk about whatever? Coaxing them really only gets me more one word answers. I have nothing in common to actually discuss…

If it’s going to be that way I should just disconnect. It hurts me more to live this way. I’m just praying for the day I can move out of here.

And why am I so dumb? It takes me a whole day dawn till dusk to finish one subchapter of calculus. There’s no way I’ll have any motivation to try anything else. My heart has been turned to jelly. I’ll never be good enough.